Thursday, 12 May 2016

All X-movies should add a dose of Deadpool



X-Men: Apocalypse.
Not a review.
And the award for best X-Men movie of the year goes to...
Deadpool.
This was not bad, but not great.
X-citing, but certainly not X-hilarating.
Deadpool was, and with some X-rating too.



After the awesomeness of Civil War,
This was like just like meh.
But in an awesome way.
At least I didn't want swear at the screen,
Like I did after Batman V Superman.



Professor X and Magneto still awesome though.
But Mystique seems a bit too Katniss for me.
Apocalypse? Meh?
See, this is what happens when Resistance pilots go over to the Dark Side.
I kept wishing Deadpool would show up,
And turn him into a chimichanga.



Lots of new mutants though.
Olivia Munn as Psylocke!
OMG that's like a fanboy's wet dream come true.
Cleavage rating 7.5.
But hor, damn wasted lor.
Like, she doesn't really DO much.



Storm's much better. Better than Halle Berry at least.
Annoying still, but not AS annoying.
And Nightcrawler too.
I thought the Thriller jacket was a nice touch LOL.
Oh oh oh, and Quicksilver!
He's still awesome.



And Cyclops.
Better than the last one at least.
Jean Grey... so-so lah.
Can't get over the fact that she's Sansa Stark LOL
Angel was another bloody waste though.
And Jubilee didn't even do ANYTHING. BAH.



I don't know, I'm kinda two minds over it.
It's not as bad as BVS.
But it's not as great as Civil War.
It's kinda just... there.
It does bury the original X-Men trilogy for good though.
Which is kinda a good and bad thing.



You know what would make an AWESOME X-Men movie?
If DEADPOOL were in it.
Never mind Wolverine, just get DEADPOOL in it.
Why? Because DEADPOOL.

Tuesday, 10 May 2016

WTF BABY-EATING PIGS ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY



The Angry Birds Movie.
Not A Review.
Wait a minute,
Do people still play Angry Birds?
Heck, do people still CARE about Angry Birds?
Wouldn't this movie have made more sense,
Like, 3 years ago when the game was still hot?



Anyway, there are birds on an island,
And they are all happy birds.
Except one.
Red is angry, like, all the time.
Because the birds around him are stupid.
Hey, I like him already.



Anyway, the gang's all there,
The yellow speedy bird
The black bomb bird,
The white egg-laying bird,
The GIANT red bird,
And the useless boomerang bird.
Oh, and the three little blue ones.



Then the PIGS SHOW UP!
OMG PIGS!
OINK OINK PIGS!
Sure they're green, but PIGS
OINK! OINK!
Like, how did THEY manage to get THEM in?




For a cartoon for kids, the story is damn dark lor.
The pigs steal the bird's eggs and want to EAT THEM.
THEY STOLE THE BIRDS' BABIES
AND WANT TO EAT THEM.
Like, IMMA EAT YOUR BABIES MUAHAAHAHA
OMG HOW SICK IS THAT.
I mean, LOOK HOW CUTE THOSE BABIES ARE.



So yeah, the pigs steal the eggs (bastards)
So the birds have to get them back...
By throwing themselves kamikaze-like at the buildings.
I know it's based on the game,
And I know the birds are virtually indestructible,
And I know it's a CARTOON.
But still...



Anyway, ok watch.
Kinda liek the game
Play already, forget.
Just don't overthink things, ok?
Don't be angry.
Don't be like me.

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Captain America V Iron Man. Marvel wins.



Captain America: Civil War.
Not a review.
Now THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.
THIS is a superhero smackdown done RIGHT.
It's fun, its entertaining, it can be serious too.
Who said you can't be all those at the same time?



This should have been called Avengers 3.
Or Iron Man V Captain America: Dawn of Civil War.
But yeah, it's still Cap's show.
And Cap is Captain Awesome.
Even more awesome with his friends around.



Yeah,Tony Stark is a bit of a dick.
But he's still Tony Stark.
Black Panther is damn cool though.
His solo movie should be great.



Oh, and SPIDER-MAN!
SPIDER-MAN!
OHHH YEAAAHH!!!
Now THIS is a Spider-Man I can get behind.
Sure, his voice a bit squeaky,
But he has the quips as well as the thwips!
Now I can't wait for Spider-Man: Homecoming.
Welcome home, Spidey!
(BTW, Aunt May is strangely hot.)



Also Scarlet Witch, Black Widow, Hawkeye,
Vision, Ant-Man, Winter Soldier, Falcon
Crossbones and Zemo,
Agent 13, Thuderbolt Ross,
And a Hobbit.
Benedict Cucumberbatch probably bet Martin Freeman,
That he wouldnt' be able to get into a MCU movie LOL.



There are TWELVE superheroes in this one.
TWELVE.
BVS had TWO + one hot cameo that stole the show.
This one has TWELVE.
And it's STILL a lot easier to understand than BVS.
TAKE THAT ZACK THE HACK.



Is this Marvel's best movie yet?
Probably. Not sure. It's close though.
The action is great,
It's funny and serious,
Fun and entertaining,
And EVERY character gets its chance to shine.
And it even makes fun of BVS. LOL.



"Wait, Cap, your mum's name isn't Martha, is it?"
"It's Sarah."
"Just checking."
CIVIL WAR!

Thursday, 24 March 2016

Dark Knight vs Man of Steel. Wonder Woman Wins.



Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice.
Not a review.
Of course I had to do a Not Review.
There's so much I couldn't write about in the official review.
Oh, might be a BIT spoilery.
But don't worry lah,
Nothing you didn't see in the trailers already.



Like I said in the official review,
Half of it was dull. OH SO DULL.
CHIT CHAT CHIT CHAT
CHITTY CHITTY CHAT CHAT
OMG JUST FIGHT ALREADY.



When they started fighting, then it was not so dull.
The fights were ok.
But got REALLY repetitive after awhile.
BOOM BOOM PUNCH PUNCH BOOM BOOM
WHOOO FLYYY BOOM BOOM
PUNCH PUNCH STAB STAB SHOOT SHOOT
BOOM BOOM POW.



Anyway, Batman!
Batfleck is not bad, actually.
Good as Bruce Wayne, good as Batman.
This "older Batman" is a good call.
Though got a few things I didn't like.
Still, I'd watch a solo Batfleck flick.



But hor, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE DREAM SEQUENCES
Sekejap terbang macam kelawar,
Sekejap end up on Genosha pulak.
And what's with all the shooting and killing people
BATMAN DOESN'T KILL.
Oh, then again, maybe in Zack Snyder's head he does.
GAH.



Wonder Woman!
What a Gal, that Gadot.
She's wonderful.
A real wonder.
I wonder if she drinks Wonda coffee.



OMG SUPERMAN
HOW CAN YOU BE SO BOOORRRIINGGGG
LIKE, SUPER BORRRIINNNGGG
and SUPER CONSTIPATED.
No chemistry with Lois Lane also.
He looked like he was in love with Batman more than Lois actually.



AND WHAT IS THE POINT OF DOOMSDAY?
Just another random monster for the Trinity to fight, of course.
And no one wants to beat up poor old powerless Lex.
Although I wish they did.
Jesse Eisenberg is BLOODY ANNOYING.
His LEX LUTHOR IS BLOODY ANNOYING.
Makes you want to slap him every time he appears.



It's NOT BAD.
Just.. watchable.
For a BATMAN VS SUPERMAN MOVIE,
It's slow as hell.
Not a great way to kick off your cinematic universe, DC.
Gets the job done, yes,
But why couldn't you at least make it FUN, EH?



Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Four not fantastic. I'd rather watch a non-stick pan.



Fantastic Four.
Not a review.
Or Fantastic 4.
Or Fant4stic (pronounced Fan-four-stick).
Or Fantastic Four: The Reboot.
Or Fantastic Four 4
(Cos there were three other movies before this)



More like the Fantastic Flop actually.
Or the The Forlorn Four?
Or the Fantastically Forlorn?
Even the Fantastic Frog would be better.
It's not BAD. Just... not good.
Four out of ten for me.



Reed Richards was ok.
Better than the last one at least.
Sue Storm was pretty cute.
But she's no Jessica Alba.
And Human Torch?
Meh, Captain America did it better.



Hey, where are The Thing's pants?
And where did The Thing's, er, thing go?
Yes we know he's hard as a rock,
But he still needs a, you know, thing.
Or he'll go soft. Hur hur hur.



Don't get me started on Doom though.
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO HAVE A GOOD DOOM?
Like, he's a MEGALOMANIAC RULER OF LATVERIA,
WHO IS ALSO A SCIENTIST AND SORCERER,
AND IS LIKE THE MOST EVIL DUDE EVER.
And you turn him into THIS?
A wimpy tree-hugging hipster who gets drunk on power?
GEEEEEZ



And what's with the whole flow of the movie?
Like, we spent FORTY FIVE MINUTES watching them science-ing around,
Then WHOOSH WE GOT POWERS!
(Don't drink and drive your inter-dimensional portal, kids)
And then TIME JUMP! Hey, they've mastered their powers!
NO NEED TRAINING MONTAGE! YAY!
And then DOOM, and END.
THAT'S IT? WHAT. THE. FOURK.



But yeah... not even remotely fantastic.
At best, it's... ok.
Maybe even a so-so. Or a "Meh".
Just ... not fantastic.
I rather watch a non-stick pan.
Or at least the 2005 Fantastic Four.
At least that was fun.
And it had Jessica Alba.



Come back Jessica, we've missed you.

Saturday, 1 August 2015

Ethan Hunt And Friends, Part Five



Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation.
Not a review.
Or Mission Impossible 5.
They're still making these things?
IMPOSSIBRU!
(Frankly, it stopped being Mission Impossible after the 2nd movie)
(And should be called Ethan Hunt And Friends)



Oklah, this was actually quite good.
I still prefer Ghost Protocol,
But this is probably the second best movie in the franchise.
It's got some great action,
And it's genuinely funny at times,
And some parts quite kan cheong also.



I can't believe Tom Cruise is still doing this.
He's what, 53 years old?
And he's still hanging on the planes,
Riding bikes at crazy speeds (without a helmet!)
And trying to hump girls half his age?



Simon Pegg!
He's got a lot more to do this time.
And his not so much of a doofus too.
Ok, he's still a bit of a dork, but not a doofus at least.
Hawkeye's a bit wasted though.



Oooh Rebecca Ferguson.
She's not the conventional hot spy girl, is she?
At least she can kick real ass.
And of course there's a bikini scene.
Cleavage rating 7.
(How long has it been since the last Cleavage Rating, huh?)



Mission Impossible?
More like Mission Difficult.
It can't be THAT impossible if they keep making these movies, huh?
What's impossible is how Rebecca Ferguson can look so good,
Even after all that running, biking, and fighting.
And how is it Tom Cruise still manages to keep doing all that shit?
Now THAT'S impossible.