Wednesday, 27 May 2015

4 ways the Jem trailer completely misses the point

So, the new trailer for the Jem And The Holograms live-action movie was released a few weeks ago.

And here it is:



It’s showtime, Synergy! Or is it?

The online response to the trailer has been more of outrage than outrageous, with most fans seemingly upset that the movie doesn't seem to bear any resemblance to the 80’s cartoon at all. And I can't say I disagree, because I'm a fan of the cartoon as well (only because it used to be shown before Transformers and M.A.S.K.).

Anyway, here are four reasons why director Jon M. Chu seems to be completely missing the point with his live-action take on the beloved 80's cartoon:

1) It’s Jem only in name



In the cartoon: Jerrica Benton is an adult record executive who leads a secret life as Jem, the superstar frontwoman of The Holograms. Jerrica has a holographic computer called Synergy that can project a holograms that turns Jerrica into Jem when she touches her earrings and says “Showtime, synergy!”.

In the movie: From what I can see from the trailer, this is the story: an average teenager writes song, which is uploaded online, which leads to her becoming a rock star who has to conceal her identity. She is then convinced to forsake her bandmate and go solo by the evil recording company, but soon realises that it was wrong and reconciles with them in the end.
Sorry Mr Chu, that’s not Jem. That’s a Hannah Montana/Dreamgirls ripoff.


2) It’s hardly outrageous



In the cartoon: Among the adventures Jem and gang get up to include Kimbra switching places with an Egyptian princess, the Misfits stealing Jem’s earrings while in China, and going to exotic places like Venice, Europe, Honolulu, and er… Colorado.

In the trailer: It doesn’t look like Jem’s going out of America. Sorry, but that is truly outrageous.


3) They missed the Misfits



In the cartoon: The Misfits are the Anti-Jem, the rival band always causing havoc for Jem and the Holograms. They’ve stolen Jem’s earrings, stolen their music, and in Season Three, even staged a hostile takeover of Jerrica’s company while she was gone and forced the remaining Holograms to join the Misfits to form a supergroup. Now THAT’S evil.

In the trailer: Wait, what do you mean there are no Misfits? Face it, without The Misfits, Jem And The Holograms would just be a bunch of glam-pop singers running around singing, and worrying about boys. Which kind of sounds like Chu’s movie, actually.

4) They even got the catchphrase wrong.



In the cartoon: Jerrica says “Showtime, Synergy” everytime she wants to transform into Jem. It’s a command directed at Synergy, her holographic computer, who then projects a hologram over her, turning her into Jem.

In the trailer: Jerrica touches her earring and says “Showtime synergy” without any energy, like a management trainee practicing his corporate jargon before a big presentation. Sorry, Mr Chu, we’re not feeling any synergy with your movie here.

Anyway, here's the original theme song for the TV show, just so you can erase the memory of that sorry excuse of a Jem live-action adaptation:

Monday, 18 May 2015

YAKITORI!!!!!

I'm a HUGE fan of the Minions (I could care less about Gru), and am super excited about the upcoming Minions movie. So excited that I'm gonna just let you watch the trailer to get you excited as well.

altogether now... YAKITORI!!!!!

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Mad Max makes Fast And Furious look like a Hot Wheels commercial.



Mad Max: Fury Road
Not a review.
Mad to the max.
Bonkers brilliant.
Insanely awesome.
Makes Fast And Furious look like a Hot Wheels commercial.




CRASH BOOM BANG EXPLODY POW POW
VROOM VROOM WHEEE ARGGGH NO NO NO
AWRIGHT! WHAAAAT! HAAHAHAH NOOOOOOO
BIFF POW BANG BANG BANG CRASSSSH
JENG JENG JENG BADDA BADDA BADDA



Where do I start,
This movie puts pedal to the metal from the start,
From the very first scene, it's GO GO GO GO GO,
And it never lets up.
It's action, action, punk rock action all the way.



If I have another daughter, I wanna name her Furiosa.
Because Charlize Theron's Furiosa is BADASS.
Tom Hardy? Meh.
His Max not very Mad also.
But Furiosa was FURIOUS.
This should have been called TOO FAST TOO FURIOSA.



And damn, the AWESOME CARS, the TRUCKS, the BIKES.
I would LOVE a model of that War Rig.
And Immortan Joe's Gigahorse.
And the Ripsaw! It's one with the tank threads.
And the People Eater's Mercedes limo truck.
And that truck with that punk rock guitarist out front jamming war anthems!
So AWESOME.



Didn't watch the first Mad Max movies?
NO PROBLEM.
It doesn't take much to get into this one.
You don't even need to know there were Mad Max movies in the 80s.
Heck, the only thing I remember form those movies,
Was Tina Turner's "We Don't Need Another Hero".



So yeah, go watch Mad Max.
Because it's the best car-related movie this year.
It makes Fast And Furious look lame.
This one has (mostly) practical effects and stunts, babeh,
None of that CGI shit (much)
And none of that hip-hop crap either.
PUNK ROCK TO THE MAX, BABEH!

Friday, 8 May 2015

Loki and Scarlet Witch, sitting in the World Tree...



Poor Vision, losing the love of his life to Loki. LOLOL

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Avengers: Assembled again, Awesome again.



Avengers: Age Of Ultron
Not a review
Wow has it been that long since I did one of these?
I've almost forgotten the blog existed.
But what better movie for the movie not-reviews to make a comeback,
Than THE movie event of the year, BSW (Before Star Wars)?



Iron Man! Still the same old snarky Stark!
Captain America! Still the same boy scout!
Thor! We're not worthy!
HULK! SMASH SMASH SMASH emote SMASH SMASH
Black Widow! Still hot and kicking ass!
Hawkeye! Still mucking around with a bow and arrow!



Scarlet Witch! We're still not sure what she is.
Quicksilver! We did not see that coming.
Vision! Really gives you a vision of what's to come.
Ultron! Nice nod to the Crimson Cowl there too, Joss.



James Spader ROCKS as Ultron.
It does get a bit odd at times though,
You KNOW it's James Spader,
He SOUNDS like Raymond Reddinton
But it's a ROBOT.
So what, he's like Robot Raymond Reddington!
(Which is not a bad thing)



Hulkbuster Iron Man vs Hulk!
Now THAT'S A Hulk level fight!
I also can't wait to see Cap and Iron Man fight each other.
(It's happening in Captain America: Civil War!)



I like how there's a lot more character development this time,
No need to rush through the introductions and origins.
Almost every character gets his time to shine,
Yes, even Hawkeye.
He deserves it, he really does.



Action's good too, of course.
A bit of fatigue at the end, but still damn good.
Look out for the scene where they ALL get together and fight!
Now THAT'S some Grade-A Assembling for you.



Is it good?
Oh hell yeah.
The novelty factor's worn off,
But it's still cool to see the team together.
Come on, it's THE AVENGERS.
You know you're still gonna watch it.

Friday, 13 March 2015

Rest In Peace, Sir Terry Pratchett.



You were my favorite writer, more than Gaiman,
More than Moore, or even J.R.R. Tolkien.
You taught me that fantasy need not be a stuffy bore,.
You taught me that reading was not really a chore.
The Discworld was a living, breathing world of wonder,
That tore my perception of fantasy worlds asunder.
It started out oh so primitive and illogical,
But evolved yearly into something modern and magical.
Your characters were flawed, but hardly feeble,
You made me want to be a witch (or a Nac Mac Feegle)
You did not make jokes for the sake of being funny,
For you, everything was relevant to the story.
From the most minute detail to the tiniest of beings,
Everything was connected in your large scheme of things.

Your books were the colour of magic that tripped the light fantastic.
The world you built was fertile, and was carried upon a turtle,
Your witches were funny, your wizards were knobby,
Your Watchmen picked fights to champion Equal Rites,
Your Death was a skeleton who played with a kitten,
Who sighed a big sigh and said to you, sir,
“AT LAST, SIR TERRY, WE MUST WALK TOGETHER.".

So goodbye, Sir Terry Pratchett​, and rest in peace.
Know that you will truly, utterly, and forever be missed.

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

DC versus Marvel, The Complete Movie Lineup!



So, both Marvel and DC have announced all their movies from 2016 to 2020. Here's the ENTIRE DC versus Marvel movie lineup from 2016, complete with release dates.

2016:
Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice (25 March)
Captain America: Civil War (6 May)
Suicide Squad (8 May)
Doctor Strange (4 November)

2017:
Guardians of The Galaxy 2 (5 May)
Wonder Woman (23 June)
Thor: Ragnarok (28 July)
Black Panther (3 November)
Justice League, Part I (17 November)

2018:
The Flash (23 March)
Avengers: Infinity War, Part I (May)
Captain Marvel (5 July)
Aquaman (27 July)
Inhumans (2 November)

2019:
Shazam (4 May)
Avengers: Infinity War, Part II (May 2019)
Justice League, Part II (14 June)

2020:
Cyborg (4 March)
Green Lantern (19 June)

Some thoughts:


  • Suicide Squad going up against Civil War in May 2016 is just plain suicide.
  • Black Panther will probably be blown away by Justice League in 2017
  • 2018 will be Avengers year (Captain Marvel versus Aquaman would be interesting to watch)
  • No Iron Man 4. Civil War will probably determine Tony Stark's fate.
  • Infinity War in 2018 will probably be when Thanos REALLY steps up as the big bad guy.
  • 2019 is the big year though - it's the first time that the Avengers will be going up against the Justice League. CAN'T WAIT!

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Turtles: POWER. Action: POWER. Story: TAK POWER.



Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Not a review.
Heroes in a half shell!
Turtle power!
Cowabunga!



Leonardo, commander and the leader!
Raphael, he is the rage and the anger!
Donatello, he is the smartest fighter!
(Oh, and Michaelangelo, Pizza power!)
Turtle tubs save the day!



Fighting crime, trying to save the world,
Here they come, just in time,
The Ninja Turtles!
Er, sorry, wrong cartoon theme song.



At first you'll be, like, OMG THEY LOOK SO UGLY!
Then later the look kinda grows on you.
But you'll still get a bit annoyed here and there,
Especially with Michelangelo.
Like, what's with the hip-hop overdose, dude?



Megan Fox: acting tak power!
But hey, it's Megan Fox.
She's not exactly there for her acting, right?
Will Arnett, a bit wasted.
He's BATMAN, for god's sake.
ok, just his LEGO voice, but STILL...



So.. they really took shredder's name literally, didn't they?
"He's called Shredder, lets make him shred stuff!"
Wolverine? BAH, he's only got six claws.
Shredder? He's got a FREAKING SHREDDING MACHINE ON HIS HANDS!
Now, if only he'd shred some cheese too.
Shredder shredding the chedder. Hur hur.



So...
Turtles: POWER.
Story: TAK POWER.
Action: POWER
Shredder: LOW POWER
Megan: POWDER FLUFF
OVERALL: BRAIN POWER OFF.



Hey, it's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Produced by MICHAEL BAY
What else did you expect?
You want serious turtle shit?
Go read the original TMNT comics.