Tuesday, 9 November 2004

How To Identify Snakes and Spiders: An Expert Opinion

A 10-step guide on how to identify snakes and spiders:

Snakes
1) Look at Snake
2) Pick up Snake
3) Check under Snake
4) If Snake has legs, then it is not a Snake
5) Release Snake if it has legs, for then, it is not a Snake
6) If Snake has no legs, then put down Snake before it bites you
7) If Snake bites, check if it is poisonous
8) If not poisonous, then don't worry
9) If Snake is poisonous, panic
10) After panicking, go to doctor within five minutes or say goodbye

Spiders:
1) Look at spider
2) Pick up Spider
3) Count Spider's legs
4) If Spider has less than eight legs, it is not a Spider
5) If Spider has eight legs, it is a Spider
6) Put down Spider before it bites you
7) For children, if Spider bites, go to mommy and shout, 'Mommy, mommy, a spider bit me!"
8) If Spider is poisonous, say goodbye. If Spider is not poisonous, scratch itch
9) Either way, squish Spider, preferably with foot
10) Laugh maniacally and yell, "TAKE THAT, YOU LOUSY SPIDER!"

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