Thursday, 13 January 2005

The Self-Help-Book for the Self-Help-Book-Lover

This came about when The Visitor and I were standing around (rather, hovering like vultures over) a colleague, talking about someone she'd interviewed who had just written a self-help book.

The Self-Help Book for the Self-Help-Book-Lover
(Previously published as How I Got Rich by Making a Bunch of Suckers Buy my Self-Help Book)

The secret to being a successful self-helper is to help other self-help as well. The best way to accomplish this is by helping ME write MORE self-help books by buying MORE copies of this Self-Help book, even if all I talk about is dairy products being moved about in a maze.

Chapter One: How Buying this book makes it easier for ME to help YOU!
The best way to help YOURSELF is by helping ME, and that is by buying more copies of this book. The more copies YOU buy, the easier it shall be for ME to write more self-help books that will help YOU help YOURSELF! Yeah!

Exercise: Count how many pages there are in this book. Buy enough books to make up 1000-pages.

Chapter Two: How this Book can help YOU save YOUR money!
Since you will be spending your money on this book and nothing else but this book, that means YOU won't be wasting YOUR money buying other things like food and clothes, and therefore, you save your money!
Remember, buying self-help books is not a waste of money, because YOU ARE helping YOURSELF after all!

Exercise: For every cent you spend on buying unnecessary items like clothes or food or petrol, smack yourself on the head with this book.

Chapter Three: How Cheese and Chicken Soup can help YOU!
Moving cheese around is fun. There is nothing more fun than moving cheese. After moving the cheese, eat some chicken soup. It's good for YOUR soul. While YOU are at it, add some Fish too.
Remember a healthy diet is the first step towards helping YOURSELF! Yeah!

Exercise: Everyday, keep a piece of mouldy cheese on your table and count how many times people move it. For every time the cheese is moved, reward yourself by eating a burger or a steak. If not, stick to fish, cheese and chicken soup.

Chapter Four: How reading a book can help YOU help YOURSELF!
Remember, unless you read it in a book, what other people tell YOU is not true. Anyone can tell you how to move cheese, but if it is in a Self-Help book like this, then it must be true. After all, the book outsells the Bible!
And if millions of people in the world don't get rich after reading self-help books, then they are reading the WRONG books! So help YOURSELF! Read MY book!

Chapter Five: How to Help ME help YOU to Continue Letting ME Help YOU!
To know how to further help me to help you, buy MORE copies of this book! Help me get this book into the bestseller's lists!
I can only write the sequel to this self-help book if I make enough money from THIS book, you see. So help me help you!

Exercise: Get a friend. Bribe him into reading this book. Then compete with one another to see how many copies of this book you each can buy.

Epilogue: Quotable Quotes for each day of the week:
Monday: You can only help yourself if you help yourself, so help yourself!
Tuesday: Cheese cannot move by itself. YOU have to help it move!
Wednesday: You can only achieve greatness by buying this book.
Thursday: Everyone who reads self-help books can achieve greatness. Those who do not are reading the WRONG books
Friday: A dollar saved is another book bought
Saturday: You Jump, I Jump
Sunday: Tomorrow is Monday

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