Monday, 17 October 2005

The Name is Von Dort... Victor Von Dort. And I'm not Blonde

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the new James Bond - Daniel "Layer" Craig.

Daniel Who, you ask? Well, he was in Layer Cake last year, appeared in Road to Perdition and The Jacket and is... well, a Brit.

Frankly, I don't give a damn, since the Bond movies have always been crap anyway. Incredibly macho and amazingly cool crap, but still crap.

The only things I like about James Bond movies were the girls and the gadgets. And the Cars. Oh yes, the CARS. I wish I could install heat-seeking missiles in my Proton Wira to blow away those annoying road-hoggers on Jalan Tun Razak.

Craig's kicked up a storm by being chosen, not because he can't act, but because well, he's BLONDE.

Apparently, that's like a big no-no, to some people. So he's BLONDE. Can't James Bond get a dye job or something? Pierce Brosnan was the whole new politically correct Bond (not by much, but they TRIED, I think) so why can't Craig be the whole new Metrosexual James Bond who goes around getting manucures, pedicures, and dye his hair to look more fashionable?

Nevertheless, forget James Bond. Casino Rotale isn't even due out until 2007. Besides, you want a REAL cool hero? Go check out that Victor guy from Corpse Bride.

Now THAT's a cool dude. I mean, he gets to meet a beautiful chick without even trying (his parents found her for him), and he marries ANOTHER beautiful chick (albeit, a dead one) at the same time, he gets to go in and out of the Land of the Dead without having to sit in a bucket of water while hugging a cat, plays the piano, he drinks stuff without shaking or stirring it first, and even has Captain Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands and er... Willy Wonka speaking on his behalf.

Now THAT'S a cool hero. Sure, he's a little wimpy and he tends to bump into things a lot. But at least he's got CHARACTER. He's got EMOTIONS (which is more than one can say about Timothy Dalton).

So dudes, FORGET about James Bond. Go watch Corpse Bride. Not just because the hero, who happens to be made from clay, looks and expresses more emotion than a thousand Daltons or Brosnans (ok, maybe slightly more than just ONE Connery), and not just because the Corpse Bride, whose eye keeps popping out, looks a thousand times more beautiful than Halle Berry in an orange bikini. (No. Wait. Hmmm. Nah.)

Watch Corpse Bride because it's a hundred times better than that Madagascar and Shark Tale pap that is being passed off as good animated movies. Watch it because it will remind you somewhat of Nightmare Before Christmas. WAtch it because it's a jolly good movie.

Aww heck, just go watch Corpse Bride. Or Victor Van Dort, license to squeal, will have your butt kicked, shaken AND stirred. THEN he'll marry you off to a skeleton. Take THAT, Mr Bond!

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