Monday, 10 April 2006

How to Read a Book in a Meeting/Class - An Expert Guide

The Malaysian Blogking of Koi, Food, noob maps and harebrain mandarin orange collecting ideas has come up with a way to 'fakeplan' a story book, in which he just uses the (professional-looking) cover of a personal/office planner, takes out the stuff inside, and 'selit' the book into the cover so that you can read it anytime, anywhere, even during meetings!

Of course, being the kiasu book blogger who can't bear to be shown up by a food blogger, I have to pooh-pooh his idea and come up with something just as canggih and as unproductive as his idea.

After all, am I not the master of useless book-related posts? I've taught you how to Eat-Read, how to read on the LRT, how to wrap your books, and even how to NOT to assemble a bookcase.

So now, I shall teach you how to read a book without anyone knowing, WITHOUT having to destroy any expensive-looking organisers or office planners (so that you can add it to that pile of unused and out-dated calenders and office planners over there), and without having to resort to buying a new digital camera to take pictures (Read Eye on Everything! We do everything on a low budget! Now Everyone Can Read This Blog!)

Anyway, here's my guide on...
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How to Read a Book during an Meeting or Class: An Expert Guide

1) Choose your book. Make sure the book is small enough to slip inside your pocket or handbag (any normal paperbacks should fit just fine. Unless it's Harry Potter 5 & 6, or Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrel. In which case you'll need really big pockets).

2) Remember to use a bookmark for easy access later to the page you will be reading from before you go to the meeting, and try not to fidget too much when it's in your pocket.

3) When seated at the conference table and moving your hands only UNDER THE TABLE, slowly slip the book out of your pocket or handbag, while keeping your body posture rigid and looking straight at the chairperson at all times (Best time to do this is when the Chairperson is speaking at the beginning of the meeting, or before the lecture starts, when the lecturer just walked in)

4) Once you've got the book out, hold it with one hand under the table, and keep one hand ON the table holding a pen, hovering over a blank piece of paper, so you can pretend to be writing while you're actually reading.

5) Open book with one hand, using the bookmark as a guide (remember, you have to keep looking straight).

6) Wait for the opportune moment to actually start reading (I find the best time to do this is when the chairperson is listening to reports from other people and when he isn't looking at you or around the table. If attempting this technique in a lecture, just wait for the lecturer or teacher to turn his attention to the slides/blackboard)

7) When the moment arrives, just lean back on your chair, lift the book slightly so the top of the book is resting on your lap (and about 2 inches below the top of the table), and then commence reading (your line of sight should be almost level with that piece of paper you're pretending to write on)

8) Look up at the chairperson/lecturer once in a while to nod thoughtfully, as if you're actually listening to him. Doodle on the paper every now and then.

9) Remember to turn the pages as quietly as possible, and to do it all with one hand only.

10) When meeting/class ends, in the confusion of everyone getting up and talking at once, discreetly slip the book back into your pocket or handbag (alternatively, just cover it with that blank piece of paper you were pretending to write on and get out of the room as fast as possible)

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As usual, a not-so-important disclaimer:
The blogger is not responsible for any jobs lost or exam failures incurred as a result of anyone using the above technique. Read at your own risk!

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