Wednesday, 9 May 2007

Tired Tirade

I'm tired.
I'm very, very tired.
I am seriously fucking tired of it all.
I'm tired of having to think about things all the time,
Tired of thinking, feeling, wondering, loving, caring,
Tired of crying, shouting, arguing,
Tired of worrying, hoping, wishing,
Tired of waiting, pining, missing,
Tired of lying, cheating, hiding,
Tired of feeling sad and lonely,
Tired of being scared,
Tired of trying to forget,
Tired of always remembering,
Tired of repercussions,
Tired of feeling guilty,
Tired of keeping secrets,
Tired of making secrets,
Tired of leaking secrets,
Tired of making mistakes,
Tired of making childish mistakes,
Tired of mistakes that can't be corrected,
Tired of being bailed out all the time,
Tired of relying on others to bail me out,
Tired of making bad decisions,
Tired of thinking rationally,
Tired of looking on the bright side all the time,
Tired of always expecting the worse,
Tired of saying I'm ok when I'm not,
Tired of 'doing the right thing'
Tired of 'doing the right thing' and being lambasted for it,
Tired of being wrong and not being able to do anything about it,
Tired of being right and not being able to do anything about it,
Tired of bad timing and unfortunate coincidences,
Tired of not having time to sort out my own life,
Tired of fucking up most of the time,
Tired of living in such a mess,
Tired of not having a future,
Tired of living in the present,
Tired of screwing up the past,
Tired of not planning ahead,
Tired of not having a plan,
Tired of letting people down,
Tired of not getting what I want,
Tired of being incapable of getting what I want,
Tired of losing what I had,
Tired of not knowing why I lost what I had,
Tired of not being able to stop losing what I have,
Tired of not knowing what others want,
Tired of knowing what they want but not being able to give it to them,
Tired of disappointing people,
Tired of disappointing myself,
Tired of disappointments,
Tired of getting over disappointments,
Tired of trying not to hurt others
Tired of ending up hurting them anyway,
Tired of getting myself hurt at the same time,
Tired of avoiding issues so people won't get hurt
Tired of feeling guilty for hurting them,
Tired of feeling guilty for things I didn't do,
Tired of taking people for granted,
Tired of being taken for granted,
Tired of losing the people I care about because of my indecision,
Tired of not knowing what I want,
Tired of doing what people think I should do,
Tired of explaining myself to myself,
Tired of explaining myself to people who don't listen,
Tired of explaining myself to people who don't care,
Tired of explaining myself to people who care,
Tired of making people cry,
Tired of making people hate me,
Tired of making people avoid me,
Tired of making people ignore me,
Tired of making people distrust me,
Tired of people,
Tired of people presuming things about me
Tired of people assuming things about me,
Tired of people talking behind my back,
Tired of people taking for granted that I take them for granted
Tired of people presuming they know what I want,
Tired of people assuming I want what they want,
Tired of people judging me by what they think I should be.
Tired of people telling me what to do,
Tired of people imposing themselves upon me,
Tired of people not caring to ask first whether that is what I want.
Tired of people putting words in my mouth,
Tired of people not minding their own business,
Tired of people not being able to shut the fuck up,
Tired of people not taking the hint,
Tired of people not leaving me alone,
Tired of people expecting more of me,
Tired of people backstabbing me,
Tired of people not believing in me,
Tired of people accusing me,
Tired of people lying to me,
Tired of people laughing at me,
Tired of people leaving me,
Tired of people annoying me,
Tired of people irritating me,
Tired of people nagging me,
Tired of people pretending to be me,
Tired of pretending to be me,
Tired of wearing this mask,
Tired of being the person people think I am,
Tired of not being the person people want me to be
Tired of their expectations of me,
Tired of bearing those expectations,
Tired of not living up to expectations,
Tired of being angry at myself
Tired of being angry at everyone else,
Tired of saying the wrong things all the time,
Tired of not knowing what are the right things to say,
Tired of having to choose my words carefully,
Tired of not having any words to say,
Tired of not being able to say what I want to say,
Tired of caring what people might say about this post,
Tired of caring what people might assume about this post,
Tired of caring what people say about me,
Tired of trying to please everybody,
Tired of everybody not being pleased
Tired of what people say about my friends,
Tired of neglecting my friends,
Tired of losing my friends,
Tired of making new friends all the time,
Tired of being a bad friend,
Tired of hiding things,
Tired of losing control,
Tired of being in control,
Tired of not knowing how to control,
Tired of trying stay in control,
Tired of things spiralling beyond my control,
Tired of fucking things up,
Tired of losing love,
Tired of looking for love,
Tired of not wanting love,
Tired of being imperfect,
Tired of being lonely,
Tired of everything,
Tired of being tired.
Tired of being me.
I'm just tired.
So leave me alone.
I need to be alone.
I need me.
Just me.