Monday, 16 July 2007

The Muggle Helpline for Distraught Potterheads

Potter Helpline (PH): Hello, this is the Hairy Putter Helpline, how may I assist you?

Distraught Potter Fan (DPF): HELP! HERRO!! I vely the kan ciong now! The last Hali Potter book coming out liao! I very the tension now!!!

PH: Don't worry sir, you are in good hands. What is the cause of your anxiety?

DPF: Haiyah you know lah. Last time hor, I lead that Orlar Of the Feenik hor, somebody tell me that somebody die in the end wor! So I quick quick go and buy the book and read fast fast so nobody can spoil the ending for me. Mana tau, that stupid bugger SMS me halfway and tell me who die oledi! I so geram!

PH: yes sir, but that was two books ago. What is the cause of your despair now?

DPF: Now ar? Now I scare because the last time I lead that Haf-Butt Plince book, but I forgot what happen oledi. Donno kena jampi or what, suddenly after I lead that book hor, I forgot what I lead liao. I only know who the half-blood plince is, and who die in the end, everything else I donno liao!

PH: Ah yes. That is a very common ailment called crapreadaphobia, which began shortly after the Order of the Phoenix was released. It is caused by books that are overly long, heavy, and have so much pointless material that it causes readers to suffer temporary amnesia after reading them.

DPF: AIYOR liddat ar? Then how to cure har? I scare I donno the story in the number six book, after I cannot enjoy the number seven book leh!

PH: Normally, this ailment can be cured by merely watching the movie based on the book. Studies have shown that sufferers of crapreadaphobia caused by the last two Harry Potter books have managed to cure half their illness by watching the recent movie.

DPF: Eh, but the movie for the Half-Butt Prince not yet out wor. So how????

PH: Ah well, I suppose you shall have to reread the book then. Or else, if you wish to be spared that torture, you may purchase a 'Harry Potter for Dummies' book, or check Wikipedia. Failing that, just forget about the story in the Half-Blood Prince, and just read the next book. Nothing happened in that silly book anyway.

DPF: Oh liddat ar. Oklor. Eh, I got one more problem.

PH: Yes, how else may I assist you?

DPF: I keep leading on this Interweb hor, saying that the Hairy Putter sure die lar, LonLon sure die lar, Hamihami sure die lar... I scare lar. Now I scared to lead the book lar.

PH: Ah yes. The OMGHARRYPOTTERDIESWTFDOIDONOW Ailment. Unfortunately, I am unable to help you right now, because to do so would give out spoilers as to whether Harry Potter survives the final book. However, if you ask me, Death would be a mercy for him I'm afraid. For a fate worse than copyright infringements and pirated E-books awaits Harry if Ms Rowling wants to continue milking the poor fella until he is dry...

DPF: So how now?

PH: Well, since I cannot help you until you actually know who dies in the last book, then I suppose you shall have to call back later... AFTER you know if Harry survives The Deathly Hallows. Thank you for calling this hotline. To pre-order the final Harry Potter book, please dial the following sequence - Hash, G-I-V-E-J-K-M-O-R-E-M-O-N-E-Y - after the beep . Remember, don't be a muggle!


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