Thursday, 23 August 2007

The Unoriginal Adventures of a Ripped-Off Hero: Part One

(Because it's easier to rip-off other people's stories than come up with your own original stuff)

Once upon a time, there was a teenage boy named Harry who was special. He had no idea why he was special, just that everyone seemed to look at the scar on his forehead that looks like the TNB logo, and go, 'Ooooh, there is no spoon' all the time.

Harry wore a pair of ancient, cracked glasses that looked like they had the coordinates to a Cybertronian cube of power imprinted on them. He owned a pet droid that doubled as a thrash can, and could transform into a six-foot tall warrior robot. He also had a funny little stick that he liked to wave around, and a broom he liked to sit on when he was lonely.

Anyway, on his 11th birthday, Harry meets a fat-ass nutty professor in grey robes with wild, white hair and a pointy hat who convinces him that he has great power, but in order to obtain it, he must hop into a custom-made 80's model Delorean that talks via blinking lights installed in front of its hood, and travel back a long long time ago to a galaxy far far away where he will have to do battle with the Dark Lord Sauron, and retrieve a Ring of Power.

As Harry was sweeping out the Delorean with his broom, Sauron was at that very moment in a vulnerable spot. You see, after a violent fight and a shoot-em-up in which they accidently blew up their house, his wife tried to assassinate him and failing that, left him. So to drown his sorrows he resorted to downing shaken vodka martinis at Moe's Bar, on top of Mount Doom.

Then, in a moment of drunken stupidity, Sauron decided to pour all of his power into a tiny little Ring, which then conveniently got lost when he got into a bar fight with an evil computer program called Agent Smith, who was in cahoots with another evil Dark Lord called Vader to create exact clones of William Shatner to captain starships that will help them in their quest to conquer the universe.

Anyway, Harry turned up in the past, inside a volcano, just in time to see a Hobbit pick up the Ring and suddenly start fighting with himself (but in actual fact, he was wrestling with his personal demon who looked like Brad Pitt). Thus Harry managed to snatched the Ring back by running the Hobbit (and his pet elf who was trying to shoot arrows at the Delorean) over with the Delorean.

As Harry was driving out of the volcano, a T-Rex and some Velociraptors suddenly came out of nowhere and started chasing him, but fortunately it was distracted by a giant ape who mistook Harry's golden broomstick for its ex-girlfriend, and wanted to defend 'her' against the T-Rex.

Thus, Harry managed to escape back to the future, but unknown to him, there was a stowaway about the car - an Alien that had razor sharp teeth and acidic blood! Although Harry managed to beat off the Alien with his broom stick, but in the process, the Delorean was damaged, and crashlanded on an unknown planet that looked suspiciously like Earth, but instead of trees, it had lampposts everywhere, and there it was covered with snow.

Then, an Evil Witch came out of nowhere and offered Harry some Turkish Delight, but before he could eat them, a lion jumped out of nowhere and gobbled it all down, witch and all. The lion belonged to a scruffy looking space smuggler wearing a fedora hat and wielding a blaster and a whip, who then gave Harry a task - go and retrieve a chest in the possesion of a drunk and somewhat effeminate pirate....


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