Thursday, 4 October 2007

The Stinker: The Dark is Sinking

The Seeker.
(I absolutely REFUSE to call it 'The Dark is Rising')
Not a Review.
The hell with spoilers.
You shouldn't be watching this movie anyway.
And the book is so different from the movie,
That this post won't spoil anything for you if you go read the book.
Anyway... Somebody go shoot the screenwriter,
And the director, who should be shot, drawn AND quartered.
Along with everyone else who came up with this travesty of an 'adaptation'.
Susan Cooper should have done an Alan Moore,
And DEMANDED that her name be taken off the credits.
And that the name of the movie be changed completely.
This ranks all the way up there with that dumbass Earthsea TV show,
And that stupid Eragon movie.
It's not just that the movie changes almost EVERYTHING that is in the book,
It's also that it isn't even very good in the first place,
Even when you try to look at it objectively.
Cliché here, Cliché there, Cliché everywhere.
Lousy dialogue here, cheesy one-liners there.
Supposed 'dramatic horse rearing scenes' here,
And a 'cool shot of the Rider riding through snow' there.

Dr Who should have just stayed in his telephone booth

Speaking of the Rider...
Chris Eccleston should have just stuck to Dr. Who.
Because after this people will be going, Christopher WHO???
Not only does his voice sound like Alvin the Chipmunk trying to sound like Aragorn,
(Whiny, squeaky, nasal voice and all),
He didn't even seem very scary.
Just very whiny.
Oh, and that a broken record Merriman,
Does nothing but go "YOU ARE THE SEEKER! SEEK! SEEK!" all movie.
And don't get me started on that imposter Will Stanton.
Instead of the solid, cool and calm English kid we all love,
We get a whiny, angsty, sneering Urghmerican kid as 'Will Stanton',
I absolutely ABHORED that SNEER on that boy's face in the end.
Somebody slap him silly already.
The REAL Will would have wipe the floor with that sneer.
AND he wouldn't even have to strike a "I'M THE HERO HEAR ME ROAR" pose first.

And WTF is up the Will-lusting-after-the-chick and the brother-betraying-Will shit?
Ok, the chick is somewhat cute. Somewhat.
But she didn't do anything to deserve her face being on the poster.
Same with the brother.
'The Walker' indeed. Pah!
Speaking of twins,
Robin and Paul are like Fred and George only.
Director watching too much Harry Potter is it?
And screw all that all the physics mumbo-jumbo,
Trying to explain 'The Light' and 'The Dark' like they really exist.
It's a FANTASY film, fer gawds sake.
Does Harry Potter use science to show why white stags fly out of his wand?
NOOOO, because it's MAGIC, dumbasses.
Look, even if you don't want to follow the book properly,
At least make a GOOD movie out of it.
Don't change things just for the sake of changing them,
And muck up the movie in the process.
See, even though Optimus Prime had flames,
And Megatron was a conehead with a Gorilla as a lieutenant,
At least THAT movie was kickass enough to make us forget that Michael Bay sucks.
This one is not just 'unfaithful' to its original source material,
It sucks so bad that Cooper should insist that the words 'Now a Major Motion Picture' are taken out from the covers of her books.
Don't even bother watching this movie.
Go read the books instead.

CABUT!: The imposter tries to escape the mob of Susan Cooper fans baying for his blood

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