Wednesday, 16 January 2008

It's Huge! It's Alive! It Destroys Stuff! It's the Cloverfield Monster!!!

Not a review.
Don't read this.
No, really, don't read this.
The less you know, the better.
No, I don't have spoilers.
No spoilers here.
What's there to spoil?
No, I don't have any pictures of the monster.
And that's all that matters, really.
The monster.

Still reading?
Still wanna know what I think?
I think it's a B-Grade movie.
But only if they'd done it the usual movie way.
With this way, they made it much better.
No plot? Lousy characters? No problem!
Just make everyone THINK that it's something more,
Set up an elaborate and pointless viral campagin,
And throw in an awesome monster,
Use a handheld camera to shoot the damn thing,
And then make a killing selling barf bags outside the cinema.

Like DUH,
This is a M-O-N-S-T-E-R movie.
What else is it supposed to be?
Did I miss something that said it's gonna be something else?
I must have missed the viral memo.
so stop whining about the shaky cameras,
The flimsy plot, and the lousy characters.
It's just a monster movie.
It's also the closest you'll ever get to be INSIDE a monster movie.
All those hours of playing Quake and Doom finally paid off for me.
But I still got a bit dizzy from all the 1st-person handheld camerawork shit.

Oh look, it's that hot Indian-looking chick from CSI,
She's smoking hot.
Cleavage Rating: 9 out of 10
The rest of the cast are...
Er, Michael Stahl something.
That other chick not hot also.
The dude holding the camera is annoying.
But never mind the people.
They are inconsequential.
Insignificant insects.
The Monster is what matters.

Monster is awesome.
I want an action figure of the monster.
Still don't know what it is though.
But it doesn't matter.
Like I said, it's just a monster.
It's big,
It's loud,
It's ugly,
It destroys stuff.
Who cares WHAT it is?
Still wanna go watch?
Remember to bring a barf bag.

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