Monday, 21 January 2008

The X-Files Return To Investigate Sex Tape and Blog Ad Conspiracies

I used to be quite obsessed with the X-files. For a kid who'd not heard of Twilight Zone (beyond hearing the theme song on and off, and being told not to watch it because it was usually shown late at night on school nights), the X-Files was cool. It had aliens, ghosts, conspiracies and monsters, and best of all, it had Gillian Anderson. In a suit. Hubba hubba.

The first two seasons were brilliant TV, I loved every episode of it, and was obsessed enough to actually buy (or rather, ask my parents to buy) the unofficial Guidebook to the X-Files so I could relive the episodes and read more about them.

Then came the endless conspiracies which got more and more silly, the Robert Patrick Fiasco, and the rather UNinspiring movie. And thus, the X-Files were consigned to a mere memory in my geeky mind.

And then, out of the blue, they announced that they're making a SECOND X-Files movie, and it's gonna be released THIS YEAR. And all those fantasies of seeing Gillian Anderson in nothing but a white shirt came flooding back.

Then I saw the first pictures from the movie. Suffice to say, I really don't think that the years have been too kind to Gillian. She still looks the same, but somehow she doesn't seem as hot as she used to be...

Oh well, whatever. Mulder and Scully are back, and apparently it's gonna be a stand-alone movie that will have NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING to do with the silly long-running conspiracies in the old TV show, AND have nothing to do with the last movie either.

So, what mysteries or conspiracies will Mulder and Scully tackle in this movie? Here are some that they should consider:

1) In a surprise twist, it turns out Chris Carter is actually J.J. Abrams in disguise, and the X-Files duo is assigned to investigate the link between the Cloverfield monster and that strange Slusho website.

2) Three squeaky talking chipmunks are taking over Hollywood, and Mulder and Scully have to figure out how to counter this threat to the collective minds of children all over the world (and to the ears of adults)

3) The X-Files department has been abolished, and Fox Mulder is now an award-winning TV actor. However, he is brought back to the FBI to investigate the mysterious disappearance of an actress called Gillian Anderson from the face of the earth, and to find out how exactly she went from FHM's Sexiest Woman in the world to near obscurity.

4) The dynamic duo set out to some obscure country in South-East Asia to investigate two events concerning politicians - one a sex scandal, and the other a brutal murder - and uncovers a conspiracy that could determine the exact date of the elections in that particular country.

5) Fired from the FBI, Mulder is now a celebrity blogger who makes money through his conspiracy-theory blog. When he is screwed over by some Malaysian blog-advertising network that forgot to renew its domain, he enlists the help of his former also-unemployed partner to try and get his money back.

6) The team sets out to investigate a mysterious growth on Scully's chin that could be... Oh wait, that IS her chin. Oh yer gawds....

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