Monday, 25 February 2008

The First Ever Live Coverage of the Oscars on EoE! (As seen on TV!)



For the first time in four years of existance, EoE now brings you the first ever 'LIVE' coverage of the ACEDEMY AWARDS (That's the Oscars lar, dummy)!!!

As seen on TV!!!

And for the benefit of all you poor sods who are stuck in the office and don't get to watch it! MUAHAHAHA!

And no, I'm not actually there. Duh.

IT'S DONE! Read on for the full blow-by-blow account of the 80th Oscars!

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1) Boring opening monologue/Democrat speech, Jon. Bring back Billy Crystal already. I miss his song and dance routines...

2) And the first award for Best Costume Design goes to....Elizabeth: The Golden Age.... zzzzzzzzzz

3) George Clooney. Again. Montage. Zzzzz. Oooh, so THAT's what Charlie Chaplin looks like!

4) Steve Carrell & Anne Hathaway! Best presenters so far. Second award goes to... Best Animated Feature RATATOUILLE!!!! YEEEEAH!!! YOU GO BRAD BIRD!!!

5) Next award, Best Makeup. La vie En Rose. Ho-hum.

6) Amy Adams. Singing. On Stage. The song is a lot less charming performed live...

7) THE ROCK presenting! Best Visual Effects!!! And the Winner is... NOT Transformers????!!???!?? GOLDEN COMPASS???!!??? BOO! BOO! HISS!

8) Cate Blanchett (she looks pregnant in that dress. Oh wait, she actually IS pregnant.) presents Best Art Direction.... won by.... SWEENEY TODD!

9) Best Supporting Actor montage. I don't know half the names mentioned there.

10) Jennifer Hudson. Most KAYU presenter I've ever seen. Best Supporting Actor Oscar goes to... Javier Bardem for No Country for Old Men! No surprises so far... except for Transformers losing. BAH. Still upset over that. (Coen vs Anderson showdown counter: NCFOM 1 - 0 There Will Be Blood.)

11) Montage tribute to binoculars and periscopes? HUH? Bad dreams? Ok, that was mildly funny, Jon. Not good enough, still.

12) Performance of song from August Rush called Raise It Up. what is this, the Grammys?

13) Owen Wilson is back! Presenting Best Live Action Short Film. Le Mozart des Pickpockets (The Mozart of Pickpockets) won. Never heard of it.

14) That bee from Bee Movie aka Jerry "Suanie hates me" Seinfeld presenting Best Animated Short Film. Can we get these small awards out of the way fast fast so we can get to the big ones PLEASE? Oh, Peter and The Wolf won, BTW. Like YOU cared. Yeah. If one of Pixar's films had been nominated, I'd have cared more too.

15) Best Supporting Actress. Tilda Swinton aka. The White Witch won for Michael Clayton! Damn I wanted Bob Dylan to win. Her hair looks really funky. And she HAD to mention George Clooney in Batman & Robin....

16) Geek Oscars were presented by Jessica Alba. It's a geek's wet dream I tell ya, to be presented an Oscar by Sue Storm herself.

17) Best Adapted Screenplay goes to the COENS for No Country For Old Men! (NCFOM 2 - 0 TWBB)

18) Video on how people vote for the Oscars. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. You didn't miss much.

19) Miley Cyrus presenting. She was at Grammys, now she's at the Oscars. She's EVERYWHERE!

20) That ensemble song from Enchanted. Nice song, so-so performance.

21) AND THE BABY GOES TO.... Jon's best joke of the evening. And it's not even THAT funny.

22) Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill as Judi Dench and Halle Berry! Funniest presenters of the night!

23) The Best Sound Editing award goes to.... Not Transformers again! The Academy must really hate Michael Bay. But then again it went to Bourne Ultimatum, so that's ok.

24) Still Hill/Berry and Rogen/Dench presenting. Still sound awards - this time Best Sound Mixing. The winner is.... STILL not Transformers! The Bourne Ultimatum wins again!

25) Best Actress Oscar coming up!

26) And the Best Actress goes to... Marion Cotillard in La Vie en Rose! (I liked Blanchett's expression when they showed her scene in Elizabeth)

27) Colin Farrell. I wish he'd REALLY fallen down. We'd be able to hear some bleeping action at the Oscars! Another song. Fallen Slowly, from Once. Nice song. Must go er... acquire.

28) Ever wanted to know all the 79 previous Best Movie winners? Look no further! HEEERE'S another boring montage!

29) Renee Zellweger present Best Editing Award. Nothing to shout about. Winner is.... THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM!

30) Nicole Kidman. Doesn't look too pregnant. WHAT IS WITH ALL THAT BLING???!!???? Some achievement award for a production designer. Ho Hum.

31) Jon Stewart is LAME.

32) PENELOPE CRUZ! HOT HOT HOT! But her presenting Best Foreign Language Film every year is getting a bit cliché. The winner is: Austria's The Counterfeiter.

33) Patrick Dempsey presents ANOTHER Enchanted song nominated for Best Song. Three out of five nominations. If they don't win the Oscar they can all go commit Hara-kiri.

34) John Travolta has weird flat hair. Presenting Best Song. Winner is.... NOT ENCHANTED!!!!! Glen Hansard wins for Falling Slowly, from Once!! Now I really MUST go and er... acquire the song. And more songs from The Frames (thanks MusicDungu!) (Rumours that the cast and composers of Enchanted were headed to the desert to commit hara-kiri were unfounded at press time).

35)Wow, they actually let the other composer of Falling Slowly Marketa Irglova out again to say her speech. So sweet. Score one for indie music!

36) There's something about Cameron. Haha. Yes yes. Presenting Cinnamontography er... Best Cinematography award. Winner is THERE WILLL BE BLOOD! (NCFOM 2-1 TWBB)

37) Hillary Swank pays tribute to ghosts of filmakers past. R.I.P. Kerr, Bergman, Ledger, and all of those who I may not have recognised.

38) The way the awards are going so far, I'm guessing the Coens and Anderson will be splitting Best Director and Best Picture awards.... But that's just MY opinion...

39) Amy Adams is CUTE! Presenting Best Original Score. No Jonny Greenwood. Boo! Winner is Atonement! Yay. not. Ratatouille lost again. Sigh.

40) Tom Hanks. Presenting the presenters of Best Documentary (Short Subject) - American soldiers in Baghdad. Pretentious American military-power ego-tripping stuff. BORING. Winner was Freeheld, in case you wanted to know.

41) Tom Hanks presented Best Documentary Feature too. Taxi to The Dark Side won. If only Sicko had won. Michael Moore's speeches are always entertaining.

42) Indiana Jones himself! Eh, where's the fedora? Presenting Best Original Screenplay... to Diablo Cody (wow, she's got a cool name), who wrote JUNO! YES! THEY WON ONE!

43) THREE AWARDS TO GO! THE BIG ONES ARE COMING!!! Best Actor is next! Go Daniel Day Lewis!

44) Helen Mirren is on to present Best Actor.... which goes to..... drum rollll..... DANIEL DAY-LEWISfor There Will Be Blood!!!!!!! Like duh, as if anyone else would have won. BTW, What the hell is wrong with his hair??? And I doubt Helen Mirren will ever hear the end of The Queen jokes. (NCFOM 2-2 TWBB)

45) Best Director award coming up!

46) Scorcese presents the Best Director(s) award.... Which goes to the Coen Brothers for No Country for Old Men!!! Ethan's speeches are the best! (I wanna Watch Harry Kissinger: Man on The Go. haha) (NCFOM 3-2 TWBB)

47) And the BEST MOTION PICTURE AWARD GOES TO..... NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN!!!



48) So, final tally is No Country for Old Men 4 - 2 There Will Be Blood. Not much of a showdown, I know. And imagine that, The Bourne Ultimatum got THREE (yes count em, THREE) Oscars, and that godamn sacrilegious (in Pullman terms, not religion-related) movie The Golden Compass also got one. Bah. Oh well, at least Ratatouille won Best Animated Feature.

49) And what a boring show. Boring performances, insipid host, boring montages, lame jokes, and so-so acceptance speeches. Only highlights were Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen's presentation, and Steve Carell. THAT'S how boring it was. Jon Stewart is a LOUSY HOST. Bring back Billy Crystal PLEEEEAAASEEE!!!!!

50) Anyway, that's it for the first ever LIVE coverage of the OSCARS (as seen on TV!) on Eye on Everything! Thanks to all two of you (including myself) who bothered to keep refreshing the page to check on the updates! Now, GET BACK TO WORK!

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