Friday, 18 April 2008

Hollywood Should Be Forbidden From Making Kungfu Movies Forever

The Forbidden Kingdom.
Not a Review.
Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
Any movie with those two should rock awesome balls right?
I wanted to stab myself halfway through the movie.
This is a waste of two perfectly awesome kungfu legends.
They better be getting paid bloody a lot for it.
No wonder Jackie once said no Chinese director would touch the film.
But then, what's Jackie, Jet and Yuen Wo Ping doing in it then?
Stop mucking about in Hollywood, you schmucks,
Come back to Asia and make some REAL movies godammit.

It's not ALL bad though.
Jackie and Jet are still great to watch.
But only when they are not talking.
When they are fighting, it's awesome.
Especially when they are fighting EACH OTHER.
In fact, it was awesome when NO ONE was talking at all,
And when people were engaged in SOME FORM of fighting,
And not TRYING to act.

The chick is cute though, at least.
Sorry, the CHICKS.
And one got cleavage samore.
Cleavage Rating: 7
(Only because Chinese actresses showing cleavage are so rare)
(Unless your name is Gong Li of course)
But why do both of them look so much like Zhang Zi Yi?
No budget to get the real deal,
So had to settle for TWO actresses who LOOKED like her is it?

Oh and in case you were wondering,
Yes the movie is in English, sort of.
Got some Chinese, but sporadic.
Which is hilarious.
Sekejap Chinese, Sekejap English,
Even Emperors of the Sky speak English!
So does the Monkey King!
And what's with the chick?
Always referring to herself in the third person?
Who does she think she is, Kanye?

Tribute to martial arts my arse lar.
More like rip-off of every Chinese wuxia cliche ever done.
Chase in Bamboo forest? Check.
Fight in a forest of plum blossoms? Check.
Flying sharp objects in slow-mo? Check.
Fight in traditional Chinese inn? Check.
Skimpily dressed chicks dancing in front of drums? Check.
Clueless disciple doing the 'Jackie Chan Stance"? Check.
Said disciple training in a waterfall? Check.

Hot chick who looks like Zhang Ziyi out for vengence? Check.
Said hot chick playing traditional Chinese instrument? Check.
Evil hot chick with white hair? Check.
Beggar using the Drunken Fist? Check.
Bald-headed monk riding a white horse? Check.
Old wise man telling stories of old Chinese legends? Check.
Wannabe Karate Kid beating the big bullies? Check.
Eh wait, Was Karate Kid a Chinese wuxia show?
Didn't think so.

Oh wait, he didn't just rip off wuxia movies.
He also made a Chinese Lord of the Rings!
See, got waterfalls, mountains, desert dunes,
There's something that looks like Rivendell,
There's an 'Evil Galadriel' moment,
There's a Frodo-falling-down-in-snow moment,
There's a Army of Mordor Marching out of Minas Morgul moment,
There's even a Mount Doom somewhere in there.
All that's missing is some Hobbit-on-Hobbit action.
Or Wizard-on-Hobbit action.

Note to Hollywood,
Stop casting Mat Sallehs in kungfu movies,
Especially those set in CHINA.
Because Mat Sallehs SUCK at kungfu.
Look at Neo.
He claimed he knew kungfu,
But he fought like a wooden plank with flaying legs.
No lemme rephrase.
Leave the wuxia movies to the Chinese PLEASE.
Oh, and Rob Minkoff should be arrested and put on trial.
The crime?
The Chronic Waste of Two Awesome Kungfu Legends in a Single movie.
The sentence?
To be consigned to making straight-to-DVD sequels of Disney Cartoons.

Go fu your kung far far, angmoh.

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