Tuesday, 6 May 2008

Colour-Crazy Psychedelic Speed Racers On Speed



Speed Racer.
Not a Review.
Made me dizzier than Cloverfield.
All those COLOURS!
I wonder what the Wachowskis were on while making this,
Speed, maybe? (Hey look, a pun! Ahahaha.)
It's like after all that black and green in The Matrix,
They just decided to use every single colour they could think of here.
To make up for the lack of it in the ENTIRE Matrix trilogy.



See that picture above?
Almost the whole movie was like that.
Complete, utter madness,
Full of psychedelic colours,
Swirly kaleidoscopes,
Weird Anime sequences.
Like someone threw you inside a washing machine,
Full of clothes in fluorescent colours
And put it in permanent spin cycle.
It was THAT colourful and pening-y
Even the CARTOON wasn't this cartoony lar.



That Emile kid not bad.
But I prefer the cartoon Speed.
Got Rain also.
Probably there so they can sell more tickets in Asia.
Christina Ricci is hot though.
Even with that hairstyle.
Didn't show enough cleavage though.
But when she did got Cleavage Rating of 7.5.



And at least the cars were cool.
I want a die-cast Mach 6 model.
Not the small tiny plasticky ones.
I mean the DIE-CAST METAL one.
(I already have the Mach 5, haven't got the Mach 6)
That Racer X car also not bad.
But all the other cars damn dumb looking.
I wouldn't be caught dead driving one of THOSE.



Oh, and the racing sequences?
BIM BAM BOOM CRASH
SPARKS FLYING EVERYWHERE
WHEE! GO SPEED GO!
WHOA JUMP JUMP
SPEARHOOK! CRASH! EXPLODE!
GUN GUN! TYRE SHIELD JUMP!
WHEE! FAST FAST GO SPEED!
RACER X! WHEE FAST FAST!
PENING PENING!
ARGH SO MUCH COLOUR I'M BLIND I'M BLIND!



Yes, that was what it was like.
When there was NO racing, it was a little slow though.
Like, enough talky talky give me more SPEED!
Unfortunately, there WAS too much talking.
And not enough racing for me.
And when they WERE racing,
They just threw in all sorts of colours,
Until you can't tell who is winning or losing.
And after that you just get pening.
Somebody take those Crayons away from the Wachowskis, PLEASE.



Oh, and someone slap that kid already.
Damn annoying.
And the chimp too.

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