Wednesday, 8 October 2008

An Open Letter To George Lucas, Creator and Destroyer of Star Wars

Dear George Lucas,

I've just watched the first episode of the animated cartoon series Star Wars: The Clone Wars, and I have only this to say:

CONGRATULATIONS! You have succeeded in taking one of the greatest ever science fantasy trilogies ever made, and turn it into nothing more than a mere merchandising franchise hellbent on selling action figures and milking fans of every little drop of pride in being a Star Wars fan in the first place. Hell, even Star Trek fans must be laughing in their stretchy tights at how low Star Wars has fallen.

Ok sure, the action scenes are cool, Yoda is cool (actually he seems more CUTE than cool here). But everything else SUCKS. At least we KNEW that Droids and that blasted Ewoks cartoon were aimed DIRECTLY at the kids. Clone Wars is nothing but an excuse to throw in even MORE new characters (hence more action figures) and doesn't seem not tailored to either adults OR kids, but somewhere in between.

And the animation? 'Photo Realistic' my ASS lar. The whole bloody thing feels like some sort of cut-rate production. And why does Count Dooku look like a MUSHROOM? Heck, even video game cutscenes look better than THAT these days. BRING BACK THE SAMURAI JACK GUY GODAMMIT.

And what is with the bloody battle droids? It's like getting rid of Jar Jar Binks but replacing him with an entire ARMY of bloody mechanical Jar Jar Binks' instead. And don't even get me started on the dialogue. "Don't blame me, blame my programming?" GAH!

And worst of all? It's made in bloody SINGAPORE! GAH! Oh wait. NO WONDER it seems like such a poor BLAND imitation of the original.

Ultimately, Clone Wars is exactly just that - a clone. A mere inferior clone of the original Genndy Tartakovsky Clone Wars. And you wonder why the hell all the toys in the toy stores AREN'T MOVING AT ALL? Like gee, stop coming out with those bloody things already. Really, how many versions of that WUSS Anakin Skywalker do we need? Do we REALLY need an action figure of that third Gungan on the right of Jar Jar Binks? They're taking up valuable toy display space that should be reserved for better stuff, like say... the Transformers! Now THAT'S a toyline with a cartoon that's far superior than your Clone Wars crap.

As of this point, Star Wars no longer holds any magic for me. In fact, I think any magic I had left in it died when you finally finished with the prequels, which felt as those you spent more time coming up with different ideas for aliens and characters so that you could make more action figures, rather than actually sitting down and writing a script.

So screw you, George Lucas. Screw you and your money grubbing franchise. Screw you and your leeching off of fans who still vainly believe that it JUST MIGHT get better, who cling on the that faint hope of wonder, and still hope to rediscover the magic in Star Wars, that feeling we once felt when we first saw an Imperial Star Destroyer.

Until then, Star Wars is dead to me.

May the Farce Be With You,

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