Friday, 10 October 2008

Watching Marky Mark Try to Act is A Major Payne



Max Payne.
Not a Review.
Fooyor it's MAX PAYNE!
MAXIMUM PAIN!
MAXIMUM CARNAGE!
MAXIMUM VIOLENCE!
MAXIMUM BODY COUNT!
MAXI... eh wait.
What the hell is this?



Why isn't anyone SHOOTING people?
Why isn't Max Payne KILLING people?
Why is he just walking around TALKING to people?
Where're the gunfights?
Where's all the KILLING?
And most importantly...
WHERE IS THE BULLET TIME?



And who's that wuss pretending to be Max Payne?
Isn't he some former underwear model?
What's with the constipated look, dude?
I know the video game Max looked the same,
But why do YOU have to look like you're in pain all the time too,
Instead of inflicting pain on others instead?



Marky Mark is still hands down the worse lead actor ever.
He was bad in The Italian Job,
He was horrible in The Happening,
And he's a real Payne to watch in this one.
Heck, even the CGI ANGELS were more charismatic than he did.



Hey, at least Keanu doesn't even TRY.
He KNOWS he's a plank,
And he plays one real well.
Marky Mark is also a plank,
But tries too hard,
And ends up looking like a more constipated plank.



But at least got Mila.
I love Mila.
She was the whiny one in That 70's Show.
Didn't like her then.
But after seeing her in Forgetting Sarah Marshall
I think she's really really hot.
And cute. And hot. And cute.
With a REALLY REALLY REALLY cute smile.



Oh look, it's Olga again.
First Hitman, now Max Payne.
What next, Doom? Quake?
Huh? James Bond? Oh.
But she didn't have much to do here.
All she did was look slutty, and take her dress off.
Hmmm... that's all we need her to do actually.
Hur hur.



But back to the movie.
Nearly fell asleep in the beginning.
NOTHING HAPPENED.
No shooting, no killing, no fighting.
Only got Olga taking her dress off.
For a movie based on a violent shoot-em-up,
This is unfortunately.... a real Payne in the ass.
(sorry, about the Payne puns....)


(THE REAL DEAL!)

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