Friday, 22 May 2009

Terminator Variations: Coming to a cinema near you!

Terminator Devotion
In the middle of the war between Skynet and the Resistance, a T-1000 and a T-X meet on the battlefield. Despite the incompatibility of their motherboards, their wires cross and sparks fly. Rated R for excessive inter-changeable sex via morphing technology.

Terminator Revolutions
In a shocking twist, it turns out that Skynet has been using human beings as batteries, and Christian Bale's John Connor was merely part of a program. The REAL LIFE John Connor actually looks like Keanu Reeves, and the T-800 is not called Arnie, but Mr. Anderson.

Terminator Transformation
Directed by Michael Bay, this movie is set in an alternate reality where John Connor is played by Shia Lebeouf and is still a teenager. One day, a police car tries to run John down. The police car turns out to be a Transforming Terminator sent back by Skynet to kill John before he can destroy the All Spark that will power Skynet. Fortunately, his future self has also sent back in time a non-transforming T-X Terminator model that takes on the shape of Megan Fox and kicks the bad Terminator's ass and makes out with John Connor, giving him magical balls of steel.

Terminator Education
In an attempt to appeal to the pre-teen market, Zack Efron plays John Connor in high school, while Robert Pattison plays a T-1000 model sent back to make sure he never makes it into the high school basketball team; because that is where John meets his future wife and fellow resistance fighter - cheerleader Kate (played by Vanessa Hudgens). Features a cameo by Arnie as a kindergarden teacher.

Terminator Playstation
The year is 2009, and instead of Skynet, an evil Microsoft X-Box has become sentient and taken over human beings via hypnotic subliminal message transmitted through an evil variation of a hit video game called Guitar Hero: Rick Astley. John Connor is a video game genius who has to save the world by plugging into the system using a modified Sony Playstation and never giving it up, or letting it down.

Terminator Termination
Exactly the same as Terminator Salvation but with a variant ending where a T-1000 that looks like James Cameron comes on set and shoots McG in the head, Arnie rides in on a bike and rescues Moon Bloodgood by slinging her over his shoulder, and leaves Christian Bale's John Connor to the mercy of the T-1000.

Terminator Boredom
Skynet has won the war. The human race is completely wiped out. Watch as Skynet twiddles its virtual thumbs and wonders what to do next.

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