Monday, 3 August 2009

GI Joe = BIG, DUMB, LOUD. Like Transformers 2 Without The Giant Robots.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.
Not a review.
It's like Transformers 2,
But without the giant robots.

Then again, it also seems like Team America.
Without the wooden puppet sex.
And with much better kungfu moves.
(which is ironic since GI Joe WERE toys in the first place)
Though I have to say the villains were better in Team America.
Destro's Scottish accent is excruciatingly comical.
And Cobra Commander's mask looks like something from MASK.
(Come to think of it, so do all the vehicles....)

Heck, the movie felt like a series of music videos,
Or a series of action sequences cobbled together.
It was BAM! warhead raid!
BAM! The Pit attack!
BAM! Eiffel Tower chase!
BAM! Dumbass TF-ripoff accelerator suits!
BAM! Underwater battle!
Story? Eh? What's that?

Most of the cast were ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes were cool though.
Snake Eyes especially.
Ray Park rocks!
And they just HAD to get Lee Byung Hun's shirt off huh?
(A few aunties at the screening actually squealed. SQUEALED.)
Too bad it wasn't Sienna or Rachel who got their kit off though siiiigh.

Practically the only thing I remember clearly is the babes.
Baronness was HOT in leather.
Cleavage rating 7.
In real life Sienna Miller not really that hot.
But in the movie she was SMOKIN'.
Black leather, glasses, two smokin' guns.
Hubba Hubba Joe!

I didn't think I'd like Scarlett though.
Until I saw Rachel Nichols in real life.
Oh boy is she HOT.
And she's pretty hot in the movie as well.
Even though she's a bit underused.
But seriously... Scarlett and Ripcord?
Talk about a mismatch.
Didn't she have the hots for Snake Eyes in the comic/cartoon?

Other than the babes and arguably Snake Eyes,
I don't remember anything else from the movie.
Except a lot of explosions, loud noises, some dodgy CGI,
Lousy dialog, corny accents, silly story...
It's mindless fun, lots of action, but not much else.
At least Transformers 2 had GIANT ROBOTS.
Without those GIANT ROBOTS,
You get GI Joe.
Yo Joe? Bah.
More like Meh JOE.
I'd rather go watch Transformers 2 again.
At least THEY have GIANT ROBOTS.

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