Friday, 26 March 2010

Crash of the Titans: Percy Jackson Would Kick Sammy Worthington's Ass



Clash of the Titans.
Not a review.
More like CRASH of the Titans if you ask me.
PERCY JACKSON was more entertaining than this shit.
And that was a KIDS MOVIE FER ZEUS' SAKE.
Reminds me of SCORPION KING.
(And not just because there are scorpions here)
Which is not a good sign, mind you.
At least Scorpion King had a hotter pointless tagalong chick.



C;mon man, it's PERSEUS.
One of the greatest ass-kickers in Greek mythology.
The story is ALREADY THERE and ALREADY KICKS ASS.
So why is the movie so bloody BORING?
Like, nothing happens in the first TWENTY MINUTES.
TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK BLA BLA BLA.
Go KICK SOME MONSTER ASS already!



Oooh look, it's the Power Ranger Gods of Olympus.
Their armor so SHINY SPARKLY PWETTY!
Like SUPERHERO COSTUMES!
What's this becoming, Clash of the TEEN Titans?
Man, the Hades is soooo.... dumb.
And Zeus... er... Sorry Liam, but Sean Bean was a better Zeus.
Even the Olympian council room in Percy Jackson was better.



Ok, Medusa was awesome.
Damn cool ok.
Better than Uma Thurman's
In fact, I REALLY wanted her to kick Perseus's ass.
The CGI a bit dodgy though.
But at least Medusa KICKED SOME WUSSY GREEK ASS.
Or rather, TURNED SOME GREEK ASSES INTO STONE!



Ooh, and I also liked that Pegasus.
Horses with wings always kickass.
At least ONE of the other creatures/monsters were ok.
Charon was disappointing though.
The scorpions were... well, scorpions.
The Stygian witches... UGLY.



Oh, and there were some djinn.
That's right.... DJINN.
WHAT THE FUCK WERE THERE DJINN FOR?????
They were completely USELESS.
And why do they have a Terminator-style bomb in their chest?
WTF!!!???!!!???
And speaking of pointlessness,
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT IO CHICK THERE FOR?



Ok she's hot, but no cleavage rating also BAH.
Completely pointless character.
She's been alive for centuries,
She's been WATCHING over him since he was a baby,
So she's gotta be like his GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT
GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT Grandma's age.
And in the end they couple couple?
EEEWWWWWWWW.



Oh, BTW, that's the Kraken.
Yes, tha' sock puppet over there.
The so-called destroyer of the Titans.
Looks like a mean COOKIE MONSTER.
Without the googly eyes.
I bet the Cloverfield monster would KICK ITS ASS.
I think I'll go watch the classic movie.
Stop motion animation always kicks ass...

9 comments:

Simon Seow said...

Thank you. You saved my RM 10.

Robb said...

that bad meh?

eyeris said...

Oh, no. This is just a plot to lower your expectations so that when you've watched it you'll think "It wasn't THAT bad" and so you won't feel as though you wasted your money. LOL

Simon Seow said...

-_- wtf

Anonymous said...

"nothing happens in the first 20 mins, talk talk talk only, go kick some monster ass already"???

dude, if u want action so much and no story, go watch Transformers 2 a million times lar...

eyeris said...

who says i haven't already? HAH!

Anonymous said...

Love this review! It confirms what I thought from the ads, not that I was about to go see it in the theatre anyway! Thanks!

Threecoolkids SHM said...

Why always the word ass?
In your blog...

Threecoolkids SHM said...

Why always the word ass?
In your blog...