Tuesday, 29 May 2012

On Which Planet is Kristen Stewart Hotter Than Charlize Theron?


Snow White And The Huntsman,
Not a Review.
Kristen Stewart is Snow White.
The Fairest Of them All.
And Charlize Theron is the Evil Queen.
Who is supposedly not as "fair" as Snow White.
Now, let that sink in a little...


WHAT??!!??
KRISTEN STEWART IS SNOW WHITE?
The FAIREST OF THEM ALL?
OVER CHARLIZE THERON??!!??
KRISTEN STEWART, that SPARKLY VAMPIRE FREAK,
IS SUPPOSED TO BE HOTTER THAN CHARLIZE THERON?
WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?
WHICH RETARD DID THE CASTING?

Oh look, cleavage.

Breath in, breath out.
Oh ok, the movie, the movie.
WHAT MOVIE?
EVERY TIME Kristen Stewart came on,
I was like, FUCK THIS SHIT.
On which PLANET is Kristen Stewart supposed to be hotter than Charlize Theron?


Ahem.
Ok, fine. Plot, plot...
It's the same old Snow White story,
With a twist.
Got apple, dwarves, Prince Charming, Huntsman,
And Mirror Mirror On The Wall, and all that.
And little animals following her around and all that shit.
It's enough to make you want to start singing HI HO, HI HO...


THOR!
HOW COULD YOU?
Where is Mjolnir?
Where is your common sense?
HULK IS NOT PLEASED. HULK SMASH PUNY GOD.
(ok you were fine, but still... it's KRISTEN STEWART).


Frankly, it's a bit dull.
Draggy in some parts, and pointless in others.
It felt like they were just shoehorning the Snow White stuff in,
Other times, it felt like they were ripping off LOTR.
Speaking of which...
WHY ON MIDDLE EARTH,
DOES SHE HAVE THE WHITE TREE OF GONDOR ON HER SHIELD???


Anyway, I think they were taking themselves too seriously.
Mirror Mirror was at least ok in a quirky kinda way.
This one just felt like they were trying too hard to be serious,
And trying too hard to make us believe,
That KRISTEN STEWART CAN BE SNOW WHITE.


No, seriously, Kristen Stewart spoilt the movie for me.
There is no fucking way I could accept her as "Fairest Of Them All".
Especially when she's standing next to Charlize Theron.
CHARLIZE THERON, FFS.
CHARLIZE "GODDESS" THERON.
CHARLIZE "Hot even when she's covered in MILK" THERON:


Hey, here's a thought.
Maybe Kristen Stewart is the "Fairest of Them All"
Because you know, she's just not bias at all.
She should be a judge, damn it!
Or maybe it's cos she really IS very fair.
As in really pale.
She shoulda been a snowman instead.

1 comment:

KY said...

ahhh, charlize theron, i always remember her in devil's advocate. yumyum