Thursday, 13 September 2012

I Demand Retribution.



Resident Evil: Retribution.
Not a review.
I demand retribution.
For all the time wasted watching this.
WHY WON'T THIS FRANCHISE DIE ALREADY????
It's like a bloody zombie that just won't stay down OMG.



Anyway,
Wow, Milla is as gorgeous as ever.
I saw her in Comic Con once,
And she is just as hot in real life.
She's probably the only good thing in the movie.
You could look at her all day and not get bored.
BTW, does she have an anti-blood shield on her face?
With all that blood flying around,
How is it she doesn't get A SINGLE DROP on her perfect porcelain face?



Oooh, Li Bing Bing as Ada Wong.
HOT.
More kayu than Keanu Reeves,
But still damn hot.
BTW how does she do ALL THAT in THAT DRESS?
And WHERE THE HELL does she keep her guns?
Does she have a magic Doraemon pocket somehwere in her bra?



Jill Valentine.
OMG SO CORNY. SO WOODEN.
I know she's supposed to be robotic and brainwashed,
BUT OMG MAKE IT LOOK CONVINCING LAR.
Michelle Rodriquez was ok though.
Didn't do much, but at least she TRIED.
AND SHE KICKS ASS. HARD.



And WTF WESKER.
Is that a REAL actor?
Are you SURE it's not CGI?
Or performance capture?
Because Andy Serkis in a leotard could act better than that.
You could replace Shawn Roberts with a KEN DOLL,
And We STILL wouldn't be able to tell the difference.



Story? WHAT STORY?
Yes, it's based on a video game.
But did you HAVE to make it EXACTLY like a Video game?
Got different levels, bosses on each level,
(What is LOTR's cave troll doing in here?)
And wah, even got "in-game map" to show you where you are!
Ok, it managed to make me wanna play the game,
Which would probably be a lot more entertaining, actually.



By the way,
I'd HATE to be the Janitor at Umbrella Coporation
Who cleans up the mess after each zombie "sequence".
Who has to turn on the lights in the morning.
Those things seem to take FOREVER to come on.
And EVERYTHING IS WHITE WTF,
So you can SEE EVERY SPOT OF DIRT OMG.



Ok lah, the action is pretty good.
Paul W.S. Anderson makes killing zombies LOOK GOOD.
And I LOVED that reversed slow-motion opening sequence.
And I never get tired of watching Milla in slo-mo,
KILLING zombies in slow-mo.
AWWWW YEAAAAH.

2 comments:

KY said...

if it's milla in slowmo, I'll watch it!

camlok said...

yeah, it's going downhill ever since the second movie.

So many things not explained, so many loose ends.