Thursday, 21 June 2012

Awesome Axe, Mr. President



Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Not A Review.
Abraham Lincoln? VAMPIRE HUNTER?
SERIOUSLY? What next?
George Washington: Werewolf Hunter?
Richard Nixon: Water Gatekeeper?
Barack Obama: Bush Whacker?



Come one, it's ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
One of the most iconic of US Presidents.
And he has an AWESOME AXE.
And KILLS VAMPIRES.
How cool is that?
A bit silly, sure, but DAMN COOL OK.



Oooh, it's directed by that Timur Berbawhatever guy
Who did Night Watch and Wanted.
Heck, this reminded me of Night Watch,
But with Abraham Lincoln instead of Russians.
It's a bit silly and over the top, sure,
But man does he make it look cool



Yes, that's an awesone axe, Mr. President.
And it's pretty damn cool how you use it.
Guns? HAH! Swords? So last century.
Nothing like an awesome AXE to make vampire hunting cool



I also like how they threw in the actual historical stuff,
I'm a sucker for that sorta thing.
Gettsyburg Address, Emancipation Proclamation, all there.
(Lots of "artistic license" though, but hey, that's Hollywood).
BTW, Abe is not a US president who happens to be a vampire hunter.
He is a vampire hunter who just happens to be a president.
There's a difference, ok?



I really like this Timur guy.
His action shit is damn awesome.
He makes vampire hunting look so damn cool,
THAT'S how you use slow-mo in action.
Eat your heart out, Paul W.S. Anderson!

Thursday, 14 June 2012

Brave Move, Pixar. Brave Move.



Brave.
Not a review.
This is one brave little movie.
It's an original animated feature,
It's not a sequel of a mega franchise,
It's not based on any existing material.
It's a simple, straightforward, touching fairytale,
In a time where people just don't believe in fairytales anymore



I've always loved cartoons, and Disney fairytales,
And Brave rekindled all those memories for me.
Yes, it's very Disney-esque,
There's songs, spells and even a talking animal.
But it's not your typical Disney Princess shtick.



There's no Prince Charming saves the day shit, for one,
And no bad guy out to rule the world.
Also, Merida ain't no Disney Princess.
Heck, she could use ONE tiny arrow,
And kick ALL the Disney Princesses' dainty little asses.
Yes, even Mulan and Rapunzel.



Merida is adorable.
She's the kinda character you REALLY want to root for,
Even when she fucks up.
She's got AWESOME looking bushy red hair,
That just goes EVERYWHERE.
AND she can shoot a bow damn well.
Oh, and I found the Queen quite HYPNOTIC.



The animation is GORGEOUS.
It makes you want to drop everything, buy a ticket,
AND GO TO SCOTLAND NOW NOW NOW NOW!
Don't watch this in 3D though,
Cos it kinda fuzzies up the beauty of the scenes.



Oh, and unfortunately, it won't be on IMAX.
Something about IMAX not wanting to show any animated stuff
Which is a damn bloody shame,
Because it would have look STUNNING on IMAX.
And I'll bet the 3D would have been great as well.
BOOO IMAX, BOOOOOO.



Has Pixar become a victim of its success?
Have we grown to expect TOO much out of them?
Brave isn't a bad movie.
In fact it's a GREAT movie.
It just isn't what people expect out of Pixar.
Is it because our expectations of Pixar are too high?
Or are we too cynical to like the simpler things in life?



You know what?
I refuse to believe that just because I'm all grown up,
I'm not supposed to enjoy the things I loved as a kid.
I don't want to turn out all jaded and cynical,
Looking at wonderfully simple fairytales like this,
And thinking, "Meh, it could be better."
Or "Meh, it's too preachy" or "It's for kids"
I'm going to watch Brave all over again,
And this time, I'm going to LOVE IT even more.

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

20 Reasons Why I Don't Have a Gym Membership

I got another call from a fitness center telemarketer the other day. As usual, it didn't last very long because I asked her my usual: "Do you have a badminton hall?" question and she hung up soon after that.

Anyway, everyone and their dog seems to be in a gym these days. Some are more obsessive about it than others, while some just have the membership, and are convincing themselves (sometimes unsuccessfully) to go workout, just because they paid so much for it.

A LONG LONG time ago (back in 2006, to be exact. Yes, that's how old this blog is), I actually wrote this post - How to get Eyeris to Join a Gym: An Expert Guide. So, just for the sake of balancing out the argument (and at the risk of flogging a dead horse), here are 20 reasons why I DON'T have a gym membership. And yes, some of them are rehashed. So sue me.

And YES, I KNOW that everyone has their own reasons for joining a gym and working out at a gym, and that there is a lot more variety of workouts in gyms these days, and that you love every minute of it.. Good for you. These are MY reasons for not joining a gym, so it won't apply to everyone (probably just me, actually). So there.

-------------------------------------------------

1) I have to pay HOW MUCH A MONTH to join this gym? For HOW LONG???

2) WHAT? NO BADMINTON HALL?

3) I grew up playing sports, and I cannot fathom why more people don't play sports to get fit. Ok, maybe some have injuries that prevent them from playing sports, but still....

4) For me, it's a lot more fun to play sports than to spend 2-3 hours of your time doing almost the same things over and over and over again.

5) Even if I didn't play badminton, I'd rather go out jogging in the park than jog on a treadmill in a gym. At least there's something new with every step I take.

6) NO, I don't need your advice, Mr. Fitness Coach. I'm just here to work up a sweat. Yes, I'm aware I'm not supposed to be using the weights to iron my shirt, thank you so much for your kind advice.

7) MEET PEOPLE? You're seriously telling me that people go to gym to MEET PEOPLE? THAT'S your selling point, Miss Fitness Center Telemarketer????

8) Burn what? Cardio what? Huh? Why so complicated? When do we get to kick some ass, huh?

9) I don't need six-pack abs. I have a six-pack of beer in my belly.

10) The badminton hall uncle doesn't call me up in the middle of the night asking whether I want a free trial.

11) Personal trainer? I was yelled at by a coach every day for almost a year. I don't need that kinda stressed when I exercise anymore.

12) Yes, it's convenient. Yes, you can workout on your own. But exercise is more fun when you're with friends (and when you're smashing the shit out of them or tackle the ball from under their feet. MUAHAHAHA)

13) REPITITIONS. PAH. BOOORINGGGG.

14) Seriously, if you tell yourself "I paid this much for this, so I'm gonna workout to get my money's worth!", then you're really not working out for the right reasons lor...

15) I love that rush of adrenaline you get when you score a goal or execute a brilliant shot while playing sports. Where am I gonna get that in a gym? When I hit 50km/h on the treadmill? Or cycle so fast that I break the machine?

16) At least I know that the guys I play badminton with are not just there to pick up chicks or ogle at muscle-bound men.

17) People with arms larger than my thighs scare me.

18) Oh look, naked men walking around the locker room. Nope, don't need to see that.

19) I spent a good part of 10 years of my life in gyms while training in athletics. I've had enough of that shit.

20) Seriously, I have to pay HOW MUCH for that membership? Thanks, Miss Fitness Center Telemarketer, but not thanks.

Friday, 1 June 2012

THERE WILL BE BLOOD (But is it acidic?)


Prometheus.
Not a review.
This movie is asks a lot of questions.
Where do we come from?
Who made us?
WHY did they make us?
What exactly IS Prometheus?
And WILL THERE BE ALIENS???


Is that the Space Jockey from Alien?
What is he doing in Prometheus?
What is Weyland Corp up to this time?
What are those strange cylinders?
What is the significance of that BIG GIANT HEAD?


What do androids do on the ships when the crew is in stasis?
What is Michael Fassbender's android up to?
Why is Charlize Theron so hot?
Why does Noomi Rapace remind me of Sigourney Weaver?
And WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT BIG GIANT HEAD??!!????


So, Prometheus IS set in the Alien universe?
But is it actually an Alien prequel?
Or is it something else entirely?
Then why does it feel so much like an Alien movie?
And why does it keep making us ask this questions?
AND WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THAT BIG GIANT HEAD??!!????


Should you go and watch it?
Do you love Alien movies?
Do you like Ridley Scott's Alien?
Do you like moody, atmospheric science fiction?
Do you want to forget the memory of those horrible AVP movies?
Then why are you asking me such a dumb question for?


BUT is it an Alien movie or not?
Are there facehuggers?
Are there chestbursters?
And most of all,
ARE THERE VICIOUS XENOMORPHS WITH PENIS SHAPED HEADS?
Why do you want to know so much?
Don't you want the movie to surprise you instead?