Friday, 8 February 2013

Why Hasn't John McClane Actually Died Hard Yet?



A Good Day To Die Hard
Not a Review.
Also known as Die Hard 5.
Yes, FIVE.
You'd think after five movies,
We'd get to see John McClane actually DYING Hard.
But NOOOO....



Wow, this movie is LOUD.
SERIOUSLY LOUD.
My ears were still ringing an hour after the movie ended.
Maybe it was just the IMAX sound system.
but still...
It felt like the WHOLE movie was just explosion after explosion.
Even the gunshots sounded especially loud.
Michael Bay would be proud.



Is it just me or is McClane just embarrassing here?
I'm embarrassed for Jai Courtney here.
His "dad" complains and NAGS all the time,
Blah blah blah, complain complain nagnagnag.
Sometimes you just want him to SHUT THE FUCK UP.
STOP TALKING AND START BLOWING THINGS UP, GODAMMIT.
At one point I actually wished Jai would just shoot him,
Then finish the movie by himself.



Jai's not bad though,
Pretty good at the action shit.
If they're gonna make a Die Hard movie without Willis,
then he'd be a good substitute.
He needs to be less intense and more insane though.
And get some bloody face expressions, dude.



Oooh, hot chick.
Not much of a cleavage rating though,
Because THEY CUT OUT THE PART WHERE SHE TAKES OFF HER CLOTHES.
DAMN YOU, Malaysian censors!
BAH.
Here, this is what we missed:



Yippee Ki-Yay, you fucking censors.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

On...ly.. Youuuu, Can Make Me Laugh, So Haaaaard....



Journey To The West.
西游: 降魔篇
Not a review.
Dear Stephen Chow:
On...ly... YOUUUUUU,
Can make me laugh so hard.
On...ly... YOUUUUUU,
Can be so mou lei tao....



Welcome back, Mr. Chow!
(No not THAT Mr Chow, the one from Hangover)
(STEPHEN CHOW SING CHI LAAAR)
Been a while since I laughed at so many stupid things in a movie.
All hail His Royal Mou-Lei-Tao-ness!
So what if he is only directing the show,
And not actually IN it?



Is it funny? Oh yeah, it's funny.
At least I thought it was pretty damn fun.
And look, not a single fart joke in sight!
So many awesome lines. Awesomely silly lines,
And the best and funniest use of fake blood EVAR.



There's drama, romance, action, even some horror,
And amid all that,
The slapstick mou lei tao comedy never seemed out of place.
Shu Qi is quite funny too!
Oooh, and that Chrissie Chau chick is HOT.



And someone give Huang Bo an award,
His Monkey King was AWESOME.
Funny, mischievous, and fun at first,
He's also super scary when he wants to be.
Especially in monkey form.
Now THAT'S a convincing Sun Wu Kong!



Ok, maybe I'm just bias.
I REALLY wanted this to be good.
But I still went into the show with low expectations.
Happily, I had a whole lot of fun!
I think not being in front of the camera really helped him,
Somehow, the movie seemed to flow along pretty smoothly for me.



Ok sure, the CGI effects aren't THAT great,
But don't compare to Transformers or LOTR lar.
If you'd seen that stupid Jet Li White Snake show,
(The one with HOT CHICK SNAKE LESBIAN ACTION)
You'd reckon JTOW's effects are pretty decent.
Kinda reminded me of Kungfu Hustle & Shaolin Soccer too much at times though



Oh well, if you don't like this one,
You could always go back and watch the old 1994 ones,
Chinese Odessey 1 & 2 - Pandora's Box & Cinderella.
I loved that time-travelling thingy,
And the BO YE BO LO MI! cry,
And of course, THAT song.
Come on, altogether now!
ON...Ly.. YOUUUUUU