Wednesday, 31 July 2013

RIPD is MIB with MIA DOAs and no UFOs



R.I.P.D.
Not a review.
RIPD is MIB without UFOs.
It's MIB with MIA DOAs instead.
WTF LOL.



RIPD stands for Rest in Peace Department
Which just doesn't make sense.
How is it "Rest in Peace",
When you have to keep working after you're dead?



Oh you mean they make other lost souls rest in peace?
Still doesn't make sense.
They certainly don't look like they're resting in peace,
Especially after being shot right between the eyes.



Anyway, Ryan Reynolds isn't annoying, YAY!
Jeff Bridges is a little annoying though. At first.
But he gets more endearing later on.
And they make a good team.
Kinda like... yeah, Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith.
But with less charisma.



OOOOH MARISA MILLER.
HELL YEAH.
Cleavage rating: 9!
Though it's pretty disturbing when they switch between her and Bridges.
Funny yes, but still rather disarming.
Not enough scenes with her and the old Chinese guy though,
(No it's not what you think).
Not enough Mary Louise Parker either.
But Kevin Bacon! Yeah!



Yeah, this IS Men In Black.
With dead souls instead of aliens.
Same formula, same zippy one-liners,
Same rookie/old dude repertoire,
even almost the same "PREVENT END OF WORLD" plot.



But it's fun, at least.
Easy, mindless entertainment.
No need to hurt brain too much,
Nice visuals, fun ride,
And MARISA MILLER FUCK YEAH.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

SNIKT SNIKT SLICE DICE BOOM BOOM POW!



The Wolverine.
Not a review.
Oh screw it.
I've just finished writing the proper review for this,
And I have no patience to do it all over again.
So I'm just gonna use VERY SHORT PHRASES to do this one.



Wolverine is BACK, Bub!
BONE CLAWS! BEAR!
SNIKT SNIKT!
YUKIO KICKS ASS!
HARUJUKU SLICE AND DICE WHEEEEEE



Wheee Japan!
Wah Yukio in a kimono so cute haha.
Mariko! Quite pretty wor.
No cleavage rating.
Jean Grey got show cleavage though.
Cleavage Rating: 7.0



SNIKT SNIKT!
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!
TRAIN RIDE WHEEEEE!
WHOOOSH WHIZZ SNIKT SNIKT WHEEEEEE!
Mission to Mars hahaahahha



Eeee, Viper.
Hiss hiss hissssssss.
Quite hot though.
Campy, but hot.
Just don't French kiss her.



Eh, lovey dovey pulak.
Makes sense though.
Wolverine & Mariko got hitched in the comics.
EH SEX SCENE GOT CUT BOOOO



NINJA! SAMURAI SWORDS!
SILVER SAMURAI!
SNIKT SNIKT OUUUUCH.
HISS HISS CHOP CHOP GRRAARGH!!!
SNIKT SNIKT SLICE DICE BOOM BOOM POW!



Ok fine, I liked it,
It gave Wolverine a lot more depth.
A bit slow in parts, but this was WAY better than Origins.
Action quite good too.
Just don't expect an all out non-stop mutant melee.
If you want that,
wait for X-Men: Days of Future Past.



Oh, and stay for the mid-credits scene.
If you are an X-Men fan,
Movie or otherwise...
You HAVE to watch it.

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Long Live The Queen And Her Sniper Rifle



RED 2.
Not a review.
Oh look, Bruce Willis is back as an aging, retired action hero?
GEEEZ, where have we seen THAT before?
That's THREE movies with him in that sort of role already,
And that's just THIS YEAR.
Luckily, this is the best of the lot.
It's the best Bruce-Willis-As-Aging-Retired-Action-Hero movie of the year,
Eat your heart out, Die Hard 5 and GI Joe 2.



Seriously, if you only need one reason to watch this,
Watch it for The Queen, sorry, Helen Mirren,
And her kickass sniper rifle.
And her awesome machinegun,
And her badass double pistols.
Oh just watch her.
She's the most badass Queen EVER.



Oooh, Catherine Zeta Jones....
In a MILITARY UNIFORM.
Now THAT is hot.
If only she was wearing that 10 years ago.
Sigh.
Oh, got that Korean Storm Shadow guy as well,
Who takes his shirt off, as usual.



MALKOVICH!
Malkovich malkovich malkovich.
Malkovich MALKOVICH malkovichmalkovich.
MALKOVICH MALKOVICH!
Malkovich... M.A.L.K.O.V.I.C.H.
Malkovichmalkovichmalkovich



I actually like this more than the FIRST RED.
It's fun, funny, and got some cool action.
And at least this time Bruce Willis is not as annoying.
And besides, he's got a KICKASS Helen Mirren with him,
And MALKOVICH MALKOVICH!



Seriously, don't mess with the Queen.
Especially when she's got a sniper rifle aimed at your head.




Tuesday, 9 July 2013

MASSIVELY MAGNIFICENT METAL MEETS MONSTER MAYHEM!



Pacific Rim.
Not a review.
Now THIS is how you make a giant robot movie,
EAT YOUR HEART OUT MICHAEL BAY.
ALL your Transformers combined,
Probably couldn't take out ONE SINGLE Kaiju.



Where to begin, where to begin.
HOLY MONSTER MAYHEM!
GIANT MONSTERS! DESTROYING CITIES!
GIANT MONSTERS THAT ARE NOT PEOPLE IN RUBBER SUITS!
I was half expecting Gammora,
WHY IS THERE NO GIANT TURTLE MONSTER.



GIANT ROBOTS!
I LOVE THEM ALL!
MUST COLLECT ACTION FIGURES OF THEM ALL!
My favorite is Cherno Alpha.
The design is so awesome.
China's 3-armed kungfu-bot is awesome also.
Why does Australia's look like something from Robotech?



GIANT ROBOTS FIGHTING GIANT MONSTERS!
Come on, do you REALLY need another reason to watch this?
SERIOUSLY????
Well, ok.
IT'S GIANT MONSTERS FIGHTING GIANT ROBOTS.
What do you mean that's the same thing?



And at least the story is pretty decent also.
I mean, Guillermo has not disappointed yet.
Even when it's all about GIANT MONSTERS AND GIANT ROBOTS.
He still give the movie a heart.



Oooh, it's that Japanese chick from Babel,
You know, the one that got COMPLETELY STARK NAKED.
(and got nominated for an Oscar too)
She's quite cute.
And a damn good actress too.
Cleavage while ass-kicking rating: 7.



I haven't felt this much robot-related glee since...
Well, since the first Transformers,
(Only the first, the rest were meh)
The scale of the action was just... MASSIVE



What are you still doing here for?
GO FUCKING WATCH THIS.
IT'S GUILLERMO DEL TORO,
IT'S GIANT MONSTERS VERSUS GIANT ROBOTS
AND IT IS MAGNIFICENTLY MAD MONSTER METAL MAYHEM.
(oh, and make sure you watch this on IMAX)

Friday, 5 July 2013

Somebody Hi-Ho the Hero Away Please



The Lone Ranger.
Not a review.
HI-HO SILVER, AWAY!
DADADUM, DADADUM, DADADUMDUMDUM!
DADADUM, DADADUM, DADADUMDUMDUM!
DADADUM, DADADUM, DADADUMDUMDUM!
DADA-DAAAH DADADUMDUMDUM!



Damn that bloody theme song.
Couldn't get it out of my head for days.
But the moment it comes on during the movie,
I just had this MASSIVE STUPID GRIN on my face.
The music plus the awesome finale was GREAT.
Too bad it took so damn long to get there though.



This is like Pirates of the Carribean,
But set in the Wild Wild West.
Pirates of the Wilw Wild West, anyone?
And it's not just because there's Johnny Depp.



Johnny Depp was great BTW.
Come on, it's JOHNNY DEPP.
He's always good, even if the movie is not.
Tonto was like droll and less manic Jack Sparrow.
And stole every scene he was in.
Which is more than I can say about the Lone Ranger.



ARGH I know he is supposed to be all morally upright,
But did the Lone Ranger have to be so morally UPTIGHT?
He is so annoyingly self-righteous,
That sometimes I wished they'd just just Hi Ho him away.
Heck, I liked the HORSE more than hero here.
(The horse is awesome, BTW).



Remember I said this was like POTC?
Just replace Orlando Bloom with ARnie HAmmer,
Jack Sparrow with Tonto,
Geoffery Rush for Butch Cavendish,
And voila! Pirates of the Wild Wild West!



Ok that's oversimplifying things,
But everything seemed so... familiar,
The action was great, the story, not so great.
But at least Johnny Depp was great,
And THAT THEME SONG.
Come on, you know how it goes!



DADADUM, DADADUM, DADADUMDUMDUM!
DADADUM, DADADUM, DADADUMDUMDUM!
DADADUM, DADADUM, DADADUMDUMDUM!
DADA-DAAAH DADADUMDUMDUM!