Not a review.
Or Fantastic 4.
Or Fant4stic (pronounced Fan-four-stick).
Or Fantastic Four: The Reboot.
Or Fantastic Four 4
(Cos there were three other movies before this)
More like the Fantastic Flop actually.
Or the The Forlorn Four?
Or the Fantastically Forlorn?
Even the Fantastic Frog would be better.
It's not BAD. Just... not good.
Four out of ten for me.
Reed Richards was ok.
Better than the last one at least.
Sue Storm was pretty cute.
But she's no Jessica Alba.
And Human Torch?
Meh, Captain America did it better.
Hey, where are The Thing's pants?
And where did The Thing's, er, thing go?
Yes we know he's hard as a rock,
But he still needs a, you know, thing.
Or he'll go soft. Hur hur hur.
Don't get me started on Doom though.
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO HAVE A GOOD DOOM?
Like, he's a MEGALOMANIAC RULER OF LATVERIA,
WHO IS ALSO A SCIENTIST AND SORCERER,
AND IS LIKE THE MOST EVIL DUDE EVER.
And you turn him into THIS?
A wimpy tree-hugging hipster who gets drunk on power?
And what's with the whole flow of the movie?
Like, we spent FORTY FIVE MINUTES watching them science-ing around,
Then WHOOSH WE GOT POWERS!
(Don't drink and drive your inter-dimensional portal, kids)
And then TIME JUMP! Hey, they've mastered their powers!
NO NEED TRAINING MONTAGE! YAY!
And then DOOM, and END.
THAT'S IT? WHAT. THE. FOURK.
But yeah... not even remotely fantastic.
At best, it's... ok.
Maybe even a so-so. Or a "Meh".
Just ... not fantastic.
I rather watch a non-stick pan.
Or at least the 2005 Fantastic Four.
At least that was fun.
And it had Jessica Alba.