Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Four not fantastic. I'd rather watch a non-stick pan.



Fantastic Four.
Not a review.
Or Fantastic 4.
Or Fant4stic (pronounced Fan-four-stick).
Or Fantastic Four: The Reboot.
Or Fantastic Four 4
(Cos there were three other movies before this)



More like the Fantastic Flop actually.
Or the The Forlorn Four?
Or the Fantastically Forlorn?
Even the Fantastic Frog would be better.
It's not BAD. Just... not good.
Four out of ten for me.



Reed Richards was ok.
Better than the last one at least.
Sue Storm was pretty cute.
But she's no Jessica Alba.
And Human Torch?
Meh, Captain America did it better.



Hey, where are The Thing's pants?
And where did The Thing's, er, thing go?
Yes we know he's hard as a rock,
But he still needs a, you know, thing.
Or he'll go soft. Hur hur hur.



Don't get me started on Doom though.
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO HAVE A GOOD DOOM?
Like, he's a MEGALOMANIAC RULER OF LATVERIA,
WHO IS ALSO A SCIENTIST AND SORCERER,
AND IS LIKE THE MOST EVIL DUDE EVER.
And you turn him into THIS?
A wimpy tree-hugging hipster who gets drunk on power?
GEEEEEZ



And what's with the whole flow of the movie?
Like, we spent FORTY FIVE MINUTES watching them science-ing around,
Then WHOOSH WE GOT POWERS!
(Don't drink and drive your inter-dimensional portal, kids)
And then TIME JUMP! Hey, they've mastered their powers!
NO NEED TRAINING MONTAGE! YAY!
And then DOOM, and END.
THAT'S IT? WHAT. THE. FOURK.



But yeah... not even remotely fantastic.
At best, it's... ok.
Maybe even a so-so. Or a "Meh".
Just ... not fantastic.
I rather watch a non-stick pan.
Or at least the 2005 Fantastic Four.
At least that was fun.
And it had Jessica Alba.



Come back Jessica, we've missed you.

Saturday, 1 August 2015

Ethan Hunt And Friends, Part Five



Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation.
Not a review.
Or Mission Impossible 5.
They're still making these things?
IMPOSSIBRU!
(Frankly, it stopped being Mission Impossible after the 2nd movie)
(And should be called Ethan Hunt And Friends)



Oklah, this was actually quite good.
I still prefer Ghost Protocol,
But this is probably the second best movie in the franchise.
It's got some great action,
And it's genuinely funny at times,
And some parts quite kan cheong also.



I can't believe Tom Cruise is still doing this.
He's what, 53 years old?
And he's still hanging on the planes,
Riding bikes at crazy speeds (without a helmet!)
And trying to hump girls half his age?



Simon Pegg!
He's got a lot more to do this time.
And his not so much of a doofus too.
Ok, he's still a bit of a dork, but not a doofus at least.
Hawkeye's a bit wasted though.



Oooh Rebecca Ferguson.
She's not the conventional hot spy girl, is she?
At least she can kick real ass.
And of course there's a bikini scene.
Cleavage rating 7.
(How long has it been since the last Cleavage Rating, huh?)



Mission Impossible?
More like Mission Difficult.
It can't be THAT impossible if they keep making these movies, huh?
What's impossible is how Rebecca Ferguson can look so good,
Even after all that running, biking, and fighting.
And how is it Tom Cruise still manages to keep doing all that shit?
Now THAT'S impossible.